A learning experience

It’s what we all should do when presented with a situation where there is a need to be met and you can meet that need.
Then, right at that point, the past, unspoken angers, forgotten jealousies, all should be forgotten.

IF you are present in the moment where a need is presented, and you, yourself, have a means to fulfill that need, and you do not-you deny your own humanity and greater place in this world.

That is what it was-and that, is why I do what I do. The past is the past, best left unsaid and forgotten. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it new ways to reaffirm our place in this world by our deeds, action and heartfelt truths.

So in this spirit I open my heart and my home to a new situation and a new learning experience. May it teach me well. In this as in everything I must remember to always be Quiet, To be Still, To be be at Peace, to be Happy, but most of all to Just Be.



Technical Difficulties

We are experiencing technical difficulties of the “bastard hacked my website” kind. All will be returned to its former glory soon. The latest posts are all me – yes the Dragon cut off all his hair and yes he does have COPD. I will be posting again once the Dragon annihilates all the crap this ass put in my code…*what a fucker*

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe

And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Sometimes I wonder if Eris was the right choice for me… it seems lately chaos and discord is surrounding me and growing larger every day. The chaos and discord is not between the Dragon and I, but it does affect us greatly on a daily basis.

About a week after the Dragon cut all his hair off, he went to the Doctor about a cough he couldn’‘t get rid of. Asthmatic Bronchitis was the first diagnosis, and a bunch of drugs were prescribed. But the coughing did not improve over time as expected. So another visit to the Doctor and different more powerful drugs were prescribed.

But still he was not better, so a visit was paid to the ER. Where he had xrays and other tests done. The ER doc returns to say “you have Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disorder (COPD) but what has us concerned is this dark mass on your rib.” Massive freak out on both our parts

This warranted a CT scan, on good Friday, which then led to more freaking out for almost a week waiting for results, only to find the dark mass was nothing.
The COPD though, really there, and on the more severe side. This all came out and to a head, the week before every single major project in all my classes were due. There has been multiple Doctors visits, a hospital stay, and my semester to finish. The idea of moving to a drier climate has been discussed a lot. Especially on days with high humidity, all the rain we have been having has not helped.

It has been very stressful on both of us. With him being out of work on a medical leave, he is only getting 60% of his pay, this does bite somewhat into our financial well being. But at least he is getting something, there are many people/couples in these same situations who are without any financial means or medical assistance and that freaks me out. One of the Dragons breathing treatments is as much as our monthly rent, for a monthly supply. If we did not have insurance, what kind of decision is that to attempt to make? We can keep a roof over our heads or you can breathe clearly and without pain and coughing. It’’s mind boggling that we still struggle under a system that cares more about the dollar then the patient.

The weird thing is we are maintaining, doing OK, worried about what the future holds but know whatever it is we will face it together.

I just had to rant and get all this off my chest. I may revisit this topic though as we walk this new path regarding his health.

Give me a head with hair

The semester is finally coming to the end, only a few more weeks left to go. A couple of projects, papers and then finals. Makes sense then, that this is when the Dragon and I decide to do crazy wacky stuff. My Tattoo’’s are not really that out of the ordinary for me, but the Dragon, well when he changes something he really changes.

Over spring break the Dragon decided to change something that has been a part of him for the past 30 odd years.

The following photo, shows the man I fell in love with, ten years ago..

This is him with his new short hair- and may I say while I fell in love with a long haired hippy freak, this new short haired Dragon is just as hot and sexy to me. I so love that man of mine.

The Cruelest Month.

Come, Persephone:
The world has rested too long
Under Winter’’s snowy cloak.
Come bring your brushes and bright colors
And dress us in the shades of Spring again.
We invoke you, gracious maiden of freedom and beauty:
Join us now.

Elizabeth Barrette

It seems this invocation bears repeating. Listening to the radio on the way home this morning, I heard that Monday and Tuesday, there is to be a hard freeze here in the Ozarks. Hard, as in it will get down to 20 degrees or some such. Criminy, its the week before Easter, and the Vernal Equinox has passed, almost two weeks ago.I wish I could remember it being this cold when I was younger, but I don’‘t. I know though in the middle of summer I will be cursing the heat and wishing for this chilly days and cold night. But for right now I look at the weather report and say, WTF?

Just Be, ink

First off, for some reason the permalinks are no longer work for post titles, this is very annoying. It makes me growl and threaten Word Press with the shaking of fist and muttering of imprecations. I am not sure why nor have I spent any serious time trying to figure it out. I’ve been busy. GRRR!
Other then that I am the happy owner of new ink. I have broken down what I consider my mantra, for being in a good place daily, and tattooed it in 3 separate pieces. Right arm, left arm and back of neck. It is a sweet font and just ever so delicate. I will upload better pics soon but these are from my twitpic.

This summer I will have the flower work and stars done. I have been redefining my end body work for so long now, its interesting to see it slowly taking shape.

Its all ground and sky, above and below, the heavens and the earth. The elements and the Goddess with her Consort. It is all my belief system and faith. When I am finally finished many years from now it will mark the milestones I felt important enough to mark permanently on my flesh.

Fallen off the edge of the world

Or at least that is how it feels. I have been so damn busy, I sometimes forget that I even have a blog to update. So for that intertubes, I am very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

School is still taking up most of my time, adding the weight of being a tutor in the writing center on campus, hasn’t help really at all. I feel bad but my priorities are as they are. I know a lot of my friends are mildly miffed that I don’t call or work harder at keeping in touch, but in all honesty I don’t have the time. Well there is about an hour at 3 in the morning, when the hotel is quiet and I could take a break from my homework, but who the hell is up at that time? Other then other night owls at work like me? Most of my friends and phamily have families etc. of their own to deal with and a middle of the night phone call from me to catch up is probably not the best bet in maintaining that friendship. So I refrain and I know they are thankful, whether they know it or not.

I would like to say all manner of exciting things have been happening since my last update, but other then placing on the presidents list for academic excellence in the fall ‘08 semester, not much else is going on that warrants any manner of excitement.
Actually I take that back, this year the Dragon and I are celebrating 10 years together. This freaks us both out, since neither of us feel as if 10 years have really gone by. So that yes that is an accomplishment of sorts. As our song says, the best is yet to come.

Walking across campus last week, I came across the most interesting grafitti. It was done with a stencil, which I had been seeing around town of late, but what was more interesting is the fact it was etched into the steel of the storm sewer cover. I had my trusty crackberry on my so I snapped some pictures with the camera.

Cold Poem

By Mary Oliver

Cold now.
Close to the edge. Almost
unbearable. Clouds
bunch up and boil down
from the north of the white bear.
This tree-splitting morning
I dream of his fat tracks,
the lifesaving suet.

I think of summer with its luminous fruit,
blossoms rounding to berries, leaves,
handfuls of grain.

Maybe what cold is, is the time
we measure the love we have always had, secretly,
for our own bones, the hard knife-edged love
for the warm river of the I, beyond all else; maybe

that is what it means the beauty
of the blue shark cruising toward the tumbling seals.

In the season of snow,
in the immeasurable cold,
we grow cruel but honest; we keep
ourselves alive,
if we can, taking one after another
the necessary bodies of others, the many
crushed red flowers.

What time is it?

Feels like I have once again fallen off the face of the planet. I’m just overwhelmed currently with all the madness going on. School, work and tutoring take up all my time.

I feel like sometimes the Dragon is being ignored and I hate that. I have been trying to set up times for he and I to have some us time, but it hasn’t been easy.

Perhaps over the break between semesters. Fix it to where we could have one whole day together, maybe spend the whole day in bed.

Hopefully I can also take the time to go over some of the rough drafts I have stored here and flesh out some thoughts.

Right now all I can share is that I am really happy that Obama is going to be my next president. I feel like we actually have a chance again, and to quote the newest first lady, finally I am starting to be proud of my country.

I am really sad at the same time that people in California voted in discrimination. Someday every person on this planet will have their right to be happy honored.

I am 39 now and am thinking I may have a midlife crisis this year. Do women get those?

Whispered Into Afternoon

      Sun of autumn, thin and shy
And fruit drops off the trees,
Blue silence fills the peace
Of a tardy afternoon’s sky.

Death knells forged of metal,
And a white beast hits the mire.
Brown lasses uncouth choir
Dies in leaves’ drifting prattle.

Brow of God dreams of hues,
Senses madness’ gentle wings.
Round the hill wield in rings
Black decay and shaded views.

Rest and wine in sunset’s gleam,
Sad guitars drizzle into night,
And to the mellow lamp inside
You turn in as in a dream.

Georg Trakl

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