Sometimes I wish I was normal

Im writing here when I really should be finishing up my group paper for english. Its too damn hot though and the brain doesn’t want to work. I seem to be obsessing about why I am a hard person to know. I burn bridges and lose friends a lot. It hurts terribly but no matter how much I try to not let it happen it does. I considered all the people I have lost and have reduced them down to a short list of those I wish were still in my life. Some of the people deserved to be kicked to the curb. But sometimes my scorpio nature of revenge and anger gets the best of me and I just lash out and when the dust settles I am once again alone. Well that is how it used to be, currently when the dust settles my lovely Dragon is still there, and in all honesty he is both my best friend and one of the only people I can be around 24/7 who doesn’t make me crazy ( must be why I married him ). But still the individuals in question are gone and I don’t ever seem to know how to make things better. I tend to when I fight go for blood and it is hard for me to forgive. I am a difficult person …. sigh but anways back to the short list of people I wish were still in my life.

On that list there are people I unfortunately will never see again. Like someone I was best friends with for almost 15 years before I forced him away, my mouse, my Pope, Michael. Goddess it still hurts me inside everytime I think about him and it has been over seven years since he and I last spoke.

 Or like my friend John who now lives in Atlanta, he was one of the first people to introduce me the the BDSM lifestyle, at the time it was only in theory and it was not something we talked about a lot but I knew he was into it and it intrigued me.

When he and I had our blowout … and it was something to rival ww3 he being a Scorpio as well … he told me that being my friend is an amazingly hard thing to be. I give so much then put myself down when others try to give back. I imagine all sorts of slights towards myself and am always worried that I am being made fun of …

 I know he is right but no matter how hard I try I can’t change these things about me. So I find that I am becoming a recluse, easiest way not to piss people off is to not have any friends to hurt. Ok I still have friends I just try not to be around them a lot so I don’t then end up fucking it all up.

Sigh maybe i need to go back on medication …. I hate the idea of going back on a pill to give me happiness, a calm demeanor and an ability to not strike out at the people around me that I love and want to stay in my life.

Only thing that sucks is even if I do that its probably too late for almost 99% of the people on the short list to come back in my life.

Thats really sad to me. It plays into the fear, hate ,and self loathing that I go through.  I don’t get how I can see myelf as someone so bad, yet no one else does until something happens to upset me then I explode and then they leave ( with probably a fair bit of forcing on my part ) and when it is all said and done I feel the fool but don’t really know how to fix it.

Of course knowing my luck any of the people who have left my life due to one of these blowups that isnt on the short list is reading this and thinking ” oh how sweet she feels bad! serves her right the bitch ! ! !” or something like that.

Goddess maybe I am really crazy and all of this is only in my mind and no one elses. I know I am hard to approach, I know that I intimidate people. I hate that but its an inate part of me that I have to figure out how to fix.

Sometimes I wish I could just be that girl that we all went to school with, the nice one with no problems who has the normal life and the normal house and the normal husband and the normal friends. Someone who doesn’t make waves or demands or is high maintenance or anything. Someone who everyone likes, no one has a bad thing to say about her and she seems like a good person.

Thats a pipe dream but it would be nice.

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