Change is good…

My Brother, Mouse E’Light,  had always told me, “change is good”. This is one of his philosphies of life. He would preach it at me like a mantra, steadfast in his decision to root that idea in my head.  It was quite hard for me to accept this and allow that it had happened, was currently happening, and was going to continue happening for the rest of my life.        Hard for me to realize that this what was going to allow me to grow.

I was stubborn, stuck in this mold of can’t. What I call my fear and self loathing stage. ( with a nod to the Good Doctor who I think would understand. )Refusing to believe that change which I equated at that time to chaos was at all a good thing. I railed against it. Fought with the stiff bodied tenacity of a toddler refusing to eat his vegatables.

Face red from holding my breath, straining all my muscles as I turned as far away from the Brussel sprout of truth as I could. One day I woke up and saw the light and in that illumination the error of my ways. I think it was then I realized Mouse was right and I needed to start embracing change. Unfortunately, many of the people in my life did not and are not welcoming the changes as much as I am. Sometimes it seems Mouse himself is one of those.

 Despite the outer appearance of peace love and happiness, I was not  always the most cheerful of humans. I was scared of everything, and what everyone thought. I never thought I would lose that sense of worry about the faceless choir called society sitting in judgement on every little thing this fat chick does. Every outfit I wore, almost to the point of every thought that I had. beause they questioned it, so did I.

My inner dialogue full of horrible filth; degrading my every movement.

Since I have started speaking my mind instead of walking around like a cat in a room of rocking chairs, I get the distinct feeling that people want the old me back. the one that was so subservient and meek. Willing to toss aside whatever I might be doing if it meant they needed me. I was that needy.

 It was hard for me to be home alone. I needed to always be doing something somewhere. I did not handle quiet well. I had to have noise both in my home and in my soul. To keep me distracted from all the false people I was letting into my life. All the people taking advantage of the meeker side of my psyche.  There to do nothing but profit from my willingness to give. Feeding off my need for acceptance, like a tick would a dogs ear. Growing fat on the accumulation of all those years of agony. 

 These people drained me until I realized the only thing I could do was leave, cut my ties with all I knew. The sad part is in that, I was letting in good people as well, unfortunately a film of sorts was over my eyes and I could no longer discern the good from the bad. So in taking myself somewhere else a new place to give me the objectivity to look within and see where I was weak, I learned to also remove that film. To start the work on making those spots stronger. Learning about that oft heard but little understood concept of self love.

It was because of the Dragon I was learning these things. Under the guise of a BDSM relationship, it was hoped for but not expected that  I would change from this. I thoroughly expected to be able to lose who I was. Become a facade of a completely meek and obediant girl, who just did what she was told and didnt force herself to think too much. That was the change I was hoping for.

 I was tired of being the really brainy smart friend to all the girls that got fucked. I was tired of being the one that had the cool conversations while my friends all had boyfriends. I realized how painful it was for me to be the one going home alone every fucking night. ( mind you I look back now and I realize that I needed someone like the Dragon, someone strong enough to force me to look in the mirror and tell me I loved myself.) But all I really wanted was to be autonomous. Almost a machine in thought and deed.

He had other ideas. He wanted to cultivate my brain, my polish, my knowledge, my upbringing. Along with all the unique parts of me that had me standing in a league all my own from the other women he had been with.  He liked the intellect he saw there and the passion for knowledge. Two of the many things I had been letting grow stale, in my inablity to believe in myself .

I wont say I didnt start learning a lot in the years before my leaving to go to the Dragon and I wont say that some of my best friends, I made in that same time period. People I love enough to call Phamily. But there was still so much of me in pain and seeking some sort of answer for my beng here. I look back in journals I wrote at that time and wonder how I made it past all of that inner turmoil

  I am realizing I do not feel that way any longer.  

I feel strong, empowered and on my way to really being my own person. I am not afraid to speak my mind when I feel it needs to be done. I am just curious why others are not willing to speak their mind to me?

I am, I have come to understand, a difficult and demanding woman. I have been told on more than one occassion that I intimidate people. This idea absolutely makes me giggle. Then wonder what the hell ??? I dont try to be intimidating unless the situation calls for it. Even then it better be something good for me to get involved Yet I am treated as if I am a volatile substance ready to explode with a mere look.

So I take her and I love her. This difficult, volatile, unreasonable, opinionated, demanding, witty, beautiful, intelligent, foul, vindictive, heartless, yet so full of love, bitch of a woman. I love her.

For she is all the best and the worst that is me.

For those of you out there that do not like me and who I am constantly evolving to be,

I am so sorry, but I am not changing back I am moving forward.

I will love you all, but I do not need you if you are not willing to help me move forward and achieve MY goals for once.

 

Sphere: Related Content


No Responses to “Change is good…”  

  1. No Comments

Leave a Reply