Runs with Scissors

You know sometimes I hate having to hold it all in.

Being the Me I am underneath all the time. That would be grand.

But I can’t, cause she is not always a very nice person.

Not At ALL

Its hard analyzing each statement to make sure it isn’t condescending, or rude. Making sure I am not seeming to convey an attitude that I am better than my peers,Working not to be intimidating, overbearing at times, or a snob. Even harder refraining from being a bitch I do it so well and with such a sweet smile on my face. ( mind you all things I have been told about myself over the years from various and sundry bosses and former friends… Hell even family has said this stuff.)

But she is who I am and the thing that I think still holds me back is keeping her in this box in my heart. Locked away from everyone else cause she runs with scissors and sometimes without meaning to people get hurt.

I wish I wasn’t all these things but I have to own that I am. I know I am one condescending bitch who does have a bit of a snobbish attitude. Sigh, but I dont know if I will always be able to control her. I DO NOT want to go back on any type of mood altering medication, except the one of my choosing. I am sorry but the coming off of Effexor was worse than any ” OH my good how much did I do last night ??? conversation the day after the show in the dead lots.

Hell I thought after all my recreational fun when following the Grateful Dead nothing else should do much to mess with me. I was so Fucking wrong on that one.

Effexor was absolutely the worst thing I think now that I have ever taken. Prozac sucked, Paxil hurt my head, celexa did nothing and effexor made me feel like my skeleton skullfirst was trying to spontaneously leave my body at random times. Then at others I could feel my brain slosh around in my brain pan.

But GODDAM I was nice when I took the effexor, or actually I was even. No intense highs no room clearing lows. No anger dripping from my skin like water.

But I cant take the drugs they make me crazier than I was to begin with ….

But will I be able to be with out them or am I that big of bitch I need meds

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2 Responses to “Runs with Scissors”  

  1. 1 Mercy

    I totally identify with this. That crazy girl inside me with all her rage and violence…I hold her back, and hold her in, indulge her sometimes when it’s “safe”. Meds have done nothing except make me lose my grip on sanity and control. I just started taking Effexor myself, and I have to agree with you, this stuff SUCKS. Prozac made me even crazier. I wish there was a Happily Ever After pill.

  2. 2 mim

    Hehe well I am glad to know I am not the only one then. I think a big part of it seems to stem from everyone thinking that we have to be nice and polite all the time.
    I personally don’t think or feel that way, when I am in a bad mood I don’t hide it. Hiding it, like i used to do, is what helped me gain all these loverly scars along my inner arms and wrists.
    Keeping it in can sometimes be worse then letting it out.
    I too wish there was a happily ever after pill.
    Right now the only thing that keeps me balanced I swear to the Goddess is a PRN of Marijuana. If I can have just about a pinch hit of pot, it does something chemically to my brain that lets me see past the veil of red that is over my eyes. It somehow slows time down enough internally that I am able most of the time to get a grip and make it past whatever is bringing out my need to hurt someone.
    But according to everyone I talk to, Pot is bad and its made me this way… and it could do worse.
    No one wants to admit that it actually could help. that it could be what people in our situation need, not these synthetic chemicals that the drug companies keep foisting off on us. BAH them and there Greed.

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