I have been so busy with school, even now on spring break I have been doing research for the two term papers I will have to write. This semester seems to be going quicker than I would like. Its been harder as well. Math, wow how can something so ” logical” illicit such feelings of fear, worry, self loathing, feelings of incompetence and stupidity. It has been hard, and I still have two more math classes to take before I get my degree. I am making a D in the class, I have never made a D.

OK let me say, except for the semester way back in 1988 when I first discovered The Grateful Dead, went to a show and then school became an excuse and not really part of my agenda at the time.
Those grades in a sense matter, but don’t as well. I wasn’t trying, I was just going through the motions to appease the parental unit. (sometimes her not really liking me makes sense.)

It has me devastated, which is really irrational. I went into the class knowing it was a struggle. Last semester when I took it with a different professor I had to drop the class, the teacher scared me so badly. So now I am taking it with the one professor that everyone told me could teach it to me. He makes sense, the class makes sense, my notes, the book, the homework. But if the fate of the entire world rested on my ability to even deal with polynomials or negative numbers. We would all be doomed from go. I can’t get it to stick. No matter what I try, it won’t stay. Test day comes and I just look at my paper with no flipping clue as to what I need to do.

This last test, I left the room and puked after turning in my paper. I go to the tutoring lab, I have offers of tutors. What I need to figure out is why it won’t stick. Why it seems almost like an alien thought process. It pisses me off but more so it depresses me. I am learning that as long as I keep my emotional swings to a short tether I am OK. But when I start obsessing and freaking out, then it gets bad. The insomnia kicks in, when I do sleep I have nightmares. I psyche myself up into a state of fear that I can’t even begin to measure.

Measure, thats what its all about. How do I measure up, against who you might ask? The world. I want to hold myself against everyone else I know and where they succeed and I fail I then question my own ability.
Mark of a perfectionist on the edge? I think so ! ! ! There is no middle ground for me. Extreme I know. But I see it now, 10 years ago I wouldn’t have seen it. I know that, people who knew me back then and now would probably say the same thing.

I am my own worst enemy. I try to make the subject the issue but it isn’t its me being so freaked out thinking it will be what keeps me from graduating. Even if I take it over again, I can’t worry about so much it is to the detriment of my other classes. That is allowing math/ algebra to star as the super villian of my nightmares and I just won’t have that ! !

I have to put Math in its rightful scary place as a subvillian, perhaps even a henchman. Not a big player in the vicious game of GPA. I store those up for thesis papers and graduate school WHEEEE ! !

So I have to learn to let go, to be OK with what grades I get through my hard work. As long as I do everything I can, I can’t fault myself. Can I?

( for some reason I hear the following voice-over whenever I am at the end of my rope studying. Think Phil Hartman doing Troy McClure )

Math you evil vile temptress, tormenting me with your logic and formula’s you are a wicked Mistress with sadistic tastes. I like it ! ! !

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