The insomnia is back and its worse then ever

The stomach in knots my brain racing as I lie there next to the Dragon trying to calm down, trying not to freak out.
Just wanting to curl up next to my love, feel his arms around, know everything is ok and go to sleep. Is that too much to ask for? Is it all that difficult? Obviously for me it is. I lay there mind going on and on. Building worst case scenarios that would have all of FEMA pissing their pants.

Each thought pinging off the last one, building to a crescendo of fear.
It makes me think of an opera singer going higher and higher until they reach that one note that you can feel vibrating inside you.
The note vibrating inside me though is one tearing me apart.
I tried and am trying to be OK, to not let the depression and anxiety and fear win. I am afraid I am losing horribly.

I put on the happy face for everyone, not letting on that inside I feel like I am shattering.
I know the Dragon sees, but he can’t really do anything.

For this is all inside, 100% internal, all me, all worry all nerves all the time.

Someone once told me for a laid back pot smoking hippie I was one of the emotionally tightest people he knew.
That was back in the day ( yo ) when all I did was smoke, hang out, do stuff and be young and experimental.
He said I felt like a spring wound too tight… He was afraid I would put his eye out if I had sprung loose then.

And just for those who might read this and say to themselves ” the drugs made her that way.” Um no they didn’t growing up in a family where I was never good enough no matter how many A’s I got as long as I was still fat…Constantly hearing from my mom, my granma and every other female in my family about how grateful I should be to have been adopted by such a rich family. How I should show my appreciation by losing all my weight and immediately becoming the little model daughter they wanted so badly and ended up getting in my younger sister.

I was scared then and well I am still scared of the fallout when I do finally unravel.

I have no clue when I am going to get to finish school, money is just too tight. Now being jobless as well ? Fuck my dreams for awhile. For that matter at my age should I even still have dreams and the hope of achieving them? Sometimes I feel like I fucked up so badly that I should just give it all up now.
Of course then my rebellious side speaks up …and says ” fuck that”

Being fired without even a clue it was coming, harsh.
Having it be, both the Dragon and I at once, same day same phone call, pure evil.

They preached about not taking money out of families pockets, don’t be greedy.
How fucking greedy is it to fire someone, just because they weren’t lying to make sales?
Bullshit company selling bullshit hotel reservations.

We had just started to see our way out of the hell we were in financially, since the ice storm, since the car wreck, hell since the Dragons heart attack last year.

Now we are back to square fucking one.

I hurt, physically every day I hurt. I want to believe I really do, believe that it will all get better. That he and I will be OK, finally, someday. IT just hit so hard, I’ve only been fired now 3 times in all my life. The other two I knew it was coming and I was prepared. This, nope just got a phone call one day telling us not to come in. We were let go.

So Job hunting has been crap, I feel completely worthless, the only people who are calling me are places who have seen my resume on line and seem to think I would want to sell insurance or mlm stuff, which I don’t. I have not applied to these companies but they seem to think I would do great for them.

What I would like is to hear from someplace I would like to work. Actually have someone call from the bazillion places I have applied to offering me a position.
Giving me back a bit of self esteem, cause so far this summer its been lacking.

But right now this very moment, I just wish I could get some sleep, no nightmares please and maybe have it be straight through the night this time?
No waking up every few hours feeling like I could just die from muscle tension and stiff neck (carry all my tension in my neck, I do).

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One Response to “Can’t sleep clowns will eat me”  

  1. 1 Tes

    I haven’t been here in awhile and am so sorry to hear about your woes. I wish I had brilliant words to say that would ease your mind but unfortunately I doubt I can do that.

    I know the feeling of being wound so tight you fear you’ll snap. It comes and goes for me, when anxiety takes over I retreat, become silent and internalize all my worries, no one usually knows I’m suffering at all. The blog helps me; it’s a place to let it all out, vent and rant the way I seldom do in public.

    My good thoughts are with you. I hope it all gets better soon.


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