I am finally fully coming out of a self imposed quasi silent period

*Title a nod to The wonderful Joy Nash

Shapely Prose a Fat acceptance blog that I read had a great article about Self esteem and the fat chick.

Wow did this article set off all sorts of bells for me. The more I thought about it in the days since I read it, I came to realize some really needed things about how I view myself and my place in this world. For a while I have wanted to deny where parts of my anger come from but I don’t really think I can do that anymore. I have to own up to how much this has colored my life and kept me from where I want to go and want to be. I can no longer allow myself to react to the vilification’s thrown at me so long ago.
No more can I feel second class, just because I am fat. I am worthy of much more then that.

I am fat. I am not moderately overweight, or moderately obese. I am in the classification of Morbidly obese. I have been overweight my whole life, I was chubby as a kid, baby fat my mom would call it. Then came big boned, now its just fat. No nice way to say it, sure can’t hide it or camouflage it. It was said I would grow out of it. I never did, and I don’t think my family, my mom especially ever forgave me for that. That fucking pisses me off, I have tried everything short of wiring my jaw shut, and nothing has worked. So she pulls back and I become bitter, party of one.

I think due to her insistence that being fat was vile, I made myself into a supporting character in the story of my own fucking life, instead of the star!

I am still trying to reclaim that lost role. Its hard work, and the first step is in learning to truly love myself as I am. Down to every little blemish and fat roll. It won’t be easy, that is a stone fact. We are programmed every day in this country to hate ourselves, to strive for a physical perfection that such a small percentage can ever hope to attain. Yet so many of us push ourselves, literally killing ourselves, and for what? I really don’t know. It scares me how quickly we work to some sort of false perfection. But not me, not anymore. I am really gonna work on turning off her voice in the back of my head. Looking at myself and seeing the good and the kind and beautiful, and not just the fat. For so long all I have ever seen is the fat, and that has been so detrimental. I am just glad I am realizing these things now, instead of 10 years from now. The sooner I get started, I think the better I will be. I know that this is probably going to be a battle I face every day for the rest of my life. The Dragon always says he is working against 30 some odd years of programming, when he tells me I am beautiful and worthy. I must join him in that or it will never work and I will never truly change.

Which leads me to my next thought;
HMMMM Can I get a do over on my mom then? A mulligan of sorts?
OHHH is there some contract breaking reneg type thing? I mean they contracted out to be good kind loving parents and well they were absolute despots when it came to the fat.
I need a lawyer. I could sue someone
( isn’t that what people do, when they realize they have been wronged, find someone to sue about it? )

*I could revolutionize the legal industry, adult adoptees suing their adoptive parents for failing in their contractual obligations to be good parents.

* understand this is all tongue in cheek, I know that there are adoptive parents out there who ARE loving and kind and considerate and would beat the crap outta mine for being such a black mark. But sometimes I wish there was something I could do to make her understand, I am never going to be the thin pretty daughter she wants. I am just going to be the same person I have been for the last 38 years and not her or anyone else is gonna change that.

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