Random stranger to me – “What are you doing with your life?”

Me – “Being”

Random stranger – “Being What?”

Me – “Just Being”

Random Stranger - “I don’t get it.”

Me – “Thats the problem.”

I have been mulling over this post at Kate Hardings the Shapely Prose , for the last couple of days. Its a nicely summed up article about the drive to be compete and those of us who don’t feel it. She came used the term of Ferdinand,-as in the bull- which I think perfectly suits this particular mind set or way of being. I personally have never felt the need to compete, I never understood its importance.For me its more about living life and enjoying it. Taking everyday as it comes and then in reflection learning lessons. So many of my friends are eaten up with the race to be best- he who dies with the most toys wins. I consider the race to still be standing and smiling at the end of the day a hella ton more important.

Which makes me think of my second favorite comment from my family.

My first favorite is of course that old weight loss chestnut
“Oh obese daughter-your so smart, and would be so pretty if you would just lose some weight. I mean you have great skin, and gorgeous hair. If you just lost 10, 20, 30 and on and on and on pounds.”
I always wanna ask, “so until I lose the weight I am just the smart one and the little sister gets all the pretty? WOW thanks for that shot of self confidence in the arm.”
But I digress, my second favorite comment from my family is as follows ” you are so smart, you are just not living up to your potential. You are afraid of success. “

HMMMMM no actually I am afraid of clowns, people wearing masks, ventriloquists dummies, magicians, spiders and our current president. But my success nope doesn’t scare me a bit.

What I have realized they see as fear, I realize as boredom- which isn’t really the word I want to use either, but I can’t think of the proper one. I don’t want to achieve the same things they do. That is not my desire in this life. Let me repeat that, that is not MY Desire in this life. Note the use of the word my, indicating me, otherwise known as myself and sometimes I. Its my life, my success is determined by me. Not by my address, my bank account, my car make and/or model, my vacation choices, my lifestyle choices, hell not even my waistline or lack thereof. My success is determined by whether or not at the end of my life I lay on my death bed and I can look at my life as a memory without pain. HAH you say, no one can do that. Everyone has felt pain, or sorrow. I agree everyone has, but how many of you have learned from that feeling. Or better yet how many of you might be the ones laying there regretting things left undone, or not said. That is a life with pain. To realize at the end, you allowed so many other things to obstruct your path, you never succeeded at what you wanted to do. Joseph Campbell put it best when he said we must ” follow our bliss.”

I want to know myself better. I want to love this skin I am in. Every voluptuous curve of it. Its all I’ve got for right now, I should cherish it. Which I will, but not by starving it, and forcing it to try and succeed at goals it was never meant to be attain. I want to learn about my self and the world around me. Rather then fill my life with material things I am pursuing a more intangible goal. I always said I wanted to be a professional student, I think going after a degree in Anthropology is a perfect way to achieve that goal. Spend my time learning about man and why we do things the way we do. Maybe eventually I can study not just Gender roles but the associated issues that come with body type and size.But for now and through all of it, my first and original goal is to Just Be and Just Be in Bliss.

So far its been ” Fantastic” as the Doctor would say. My English lit Professor, teaching the class on Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick; has a voice that could almost move me to maybe give christianity another think. Blessed Goddess, I am thankful he is an English lit professor and not a preacher man here to save my heathen soul. He admitted the first day that he has a passion for this book, and it shows in the two lectures we have already had. Its been really fascinating, While I love so many of the classics, I always escaped from Moby Dick, so reading it now is wonderful.

Then there is the lit class covering Sci Fi/ Fantasy, I can already tell this is a professor I will need to take for other classes. She is very off the cuff and electric. She has such a vast knowledge of the genre. I have already a new list of authors to add to my own. The professor in my Philosophy class is quite the intense man, he stated in class that at the end of studying each religion we will believe that is the one he follows. He then stated he will not ever tell us which religion he believes in, also he stated that there will be mudslinging when certain faiths are discussed. As he put it, Bin Laden has more then a few counterparts in Christianity.

My Anthropology professor I have had before, she introduced me to one of my favorite Authors, Daniel Quinn, when she loaned me Ishmael last semester. She is so wonderful, and passionate about her subject, and in teaching it to others. I really enjoy listening to her lecture and in talking with her, I have found she and I share more then a few not so commonly held beliefs. She is someone I can learn from and not just in the academic areas; I say this not because she is a teacher, but because she is a plus size woman who actively pursues her passions. She may be a woman of size, but she is also a damn fine professor, an anthropologist; ok she is actually a marine or maritime archaeologist. She works primarily in the middle east. Diving in the Indian Ocean and the Persian Sea. Of course that is just the beginning of who she is.

Walking out of class on Thursday a couple of the guys behind me were talking about how she was so big but so cool . It pissed me off but also in a way made me smile. They were young guys fresh outta high school from one of the smaller towns around here. They probably are having all manner of preconceived notions destroyed. So I know the fact that

I mean really, cant become a maritime archaeologist while sitting on the couch eating the donuts now can you ??

I could tell listening to them talk it was messing with their heads a bit, I hope though its just the beginning and they realize that those once held biases won’t hold up as the move into the wider world.

I am finally fully coming out of a self imposed quasi silent period

*Title a nod to The wonderful Joy Nash

Shapely Prose a Fat acceptance blog that I read had a great article about Self esteem and the fat chick.

Wow did this article set off all sorts of bells for me. The more I thought about it in the days since I read it, I came to realize some really needed things about how I view myself and my place in this world. For a while I have wanted to deny where parts of my anger come from but I don’t really think I can do that anymore. I have to own up to how much this has colored my life and kept me from where I want to go and want to be. I can no longer allow myself to react to the vilification’s thrown at me so long ago.
No more can I feel second class, just because I am fat. I am worthy of much more then that.

I think due to her insistence that being fat was vile, I made myself into a supporting character in the story of my own fucking life, instead of the star!

I am still trying to reclaim that lost role. Its hard work, and the first step is in learning to truly love myself as I am. Down to every little blemish and fat roll. It won’t be easy, that is a stone fact. We are programmed every day in this country to hate ourselves, to strive for a physical perfection that such a small percentage can ever hope to attain. Yet so many of us push ourselves, literally killing ourselves, and for what? I really don’t know. It scares me how quickly we work to some sort of false perfection. But not me, not anymore. I am really gonna work on turning off her voice in the back of my head. Looking at myself and seeing the good and the kind and beautiful, and not just the fat. For so long all I have ever seen is the fat, and that has been so detrimental. I am just glad I am realizing these things now, instead of 10 years from now. The sooner I get started, I think the better I will be. I know that this is probably going to be a battle I face every day for the rest of my life. The Dragon always says he is working against 30 some odd years of programming, when he tells me I am beautiful and worthy. I must join him in that or it will never work and I will never truly change.

Which leads me to my next thought;
HMMMM Can I get a do over on my mom then? A mulligan of sorts?
OHHH is there some contract breaking reneg type thing? I mean they contracted out to be good kind loving parents and well they were absolute despots when it came to the fat.
I need a lawyer. I could sue someone
( isn’t that what people do, when they realize they have been wronged, find someone to sue about it? )

*I could revolutionize the legal industry, adult adoptees suing their adoptive parents for failing in their contractual obligations to be good parents.

* understand this is all tongue in cheek, I know that there are adoptive parents out there who ARE loving and kind and considerate and would beat the crap outta mine for being such a black mark. But sometimes I wish there was something I could do to make her understand, I am never going to be the thin pretty daughter she wants. I am just going to be the same person I have been for the last 38 years and not her or anyone else is gonna change that.

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them (this week starting with the letter ‘R’):


Real? You decide (swelteringcelt.com)

Reminder of Summer (domequeen.blogspot.com)

Restraint (curvaceousdee.blogspot.com)

Riding the Train (ambientstorm.blogspot.com)

Right Now… (secretbrain.blogspot.com)

Sanctuary (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Sitting Behind You (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

Snowballed (sexinga.blogspot.com)

Stimulate Me, Penetrate Me (insatiablemrw.blogspot.com)

The dancer… (dzerotica.blogspot.com)

The Girlfriend (radicalvixen.com)

The Peach On…. First Times (damnjezebel.com)

Back at Last! (shaysexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Blind Date (anyonesgirl.blogspot.com)

Driving Passions (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)

Facial pictures… (pornster.blogspot.com)

Fallen (in lust, love, sex, from grace….) (chaosnoir.blogspot.com)

Femme de la cuisine (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)

Girl interrupted……Pt 1 (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)

Gonzo interviews Gonzo Vasili K (sexblo.gs)

House of Sedalia (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

How to Look Like a Porn Star (sugarbank.com)

I’m not a smoker I’m a midnight toker (mimredbeard.com)

Kendra on Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)

Kitkast Outtakes #1.2 (mskitka.com)

Lexie and Kristin on Sapphic Erotica (simply-saphicerotica.com)

Lina and Rita by Morenko on Met-Art (sensualarousalblog.com)

Looking For That Perfect Pose, Maybe You Can Help? (tirepaddle.com)

Pallet wrap (mnsss.blogspot.com)

Image courtesy The S-Spot.

Links lovingly policed by Sabrina Morgan

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them (this week starting with the letter E.)

•Emerging on the other side… (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)
•Fuckin’ the old ball and chain (whatsyourpleasure.blogspot.com)
•Kitkast Outtakes #1.1 (mskitka.com)
•Mister Mistress (mimredbeard.com)
•Penis Questions Answered (damnjezebel.com)
•Pretending to be Mrs. Claus (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)
•Quick and Dirty (talkingdirty.blogspot.com)
•Something new to do on rainy days (realadultsex.com)
•StoryTime: blue oriental flowers (secretbrain.blogspot.com)
•Suffering (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
•Tête-à-Tête (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
•Touching (alwasysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
•The First Time I Never Remember (insatiablemrw.blogspot.com)
•Transvestite nativity scandal in Rome (sexblo.gs)
•A (reluctant) spanking (lumpesse.com)
•Bloggasm is Dead. Long Live the Sugasm! (sugarbank.com)
• Business and Pleasure in the Pleasure Biz (tirepaddle.com)
•Competitive Nature (anyonesgirl.blogspot.com)
•Cornered (deltavegas.blogspot.com)
•Dumping a Client (radicalvixen.com)

Lovingly policed by Sabrina Morgan

Photo from damnjezebel.com

A new link added on 1/3/05 From Tire Paddle

I was reading up on My favorite blogs, when I came across the following entry at the Church of Steelle. He’s discussing some of the latest literary efforts coming out that blame Porn for every ill in the world. I am amazed that we have yet to hear how porn is being linked to the Terrorists in the Middle East, they could co-opt those “When you buy pot you support a terrorist” ads and run the ” for every Porno you wank off to, Al Qaeda gets more money… “ spots.
My one question is this, HOW DOES porn do all these things, create and keep alive all these malicious evil acts? how can naked pictures of even the most base act doing nothing more than stir up emotions, and a need to be fulfilled. The problem isn’t in the porn. The problem is in the view that sex is dirty and wrong. Which its NOT, it is a natural biological function that some seem to enjoy in a lot more different ways then others. The problem is that women are still viewed as this freakish mother/whore mix. I am both and I am neither but don’t get your knickers in a wad if I profess to enjoying a good lap dance, or dirty gritty porn, or the extreme S/m you might find on such sites as Paintoy.
I think it is religion and its abysmal views on Woman that cause most of the problems. For all of you raised how I was (southern Baptist… can I get an AMEN?) you remember those Sunday morning services about the Jezebel and the harlot, the whore of Babylon and how it was the sin of EVE that caused the great fall and the banishment from the Garden. I used to shrink down in My pew and wonder how anyone could even like women after all the ills we caused. Then I grew up and saw it for the sham it is.
Well right here and now I call that bullshit, Eve ( like Lilith before her ) was framed for being a woman with her own Mind.
I remember reading the bible and I asked My preacher why Eve got punished when nothing bad happened until Adam bit into the apple and really if he had only said No instead of being so pussy whipped, yes I said pussy whipped to My preacher, then there would not have been this big ole mess. S0 I really feel that it is all based on this antiquated theory of woman as scapegoat for the ills of society and a flawed religious doctrine. I call all of that bullshit as well. I am nobody’s scapegoat, I am a woman with a very very strong sex drive who refuses to sit in the back of the church and let any man try and tell Me how to run My life. OK now when I was a happily collared slave to My Dragon; I would have listened to him, formed My own opinions and then discussed them with him. But even then one of the biggest things he and I discussed was; even under collar I was still Myself and My brain and thoughts were Mine to make as I needed. SO I was no Doormat even though I wore a collar and called him Master. Now that I have transferred over to the Dominant side I am even more so a strong and defined Woman I know what I want and what I enjoy. I know there are men out there who view me as an abomination, but to Me they are the ones who are but a pox upon the face of Man. It is their twisted views that have made the twisted mad ones who take out their rages in violent and horrific manner. So in essence is it not society with its close minded views of sex, that tend to cause the more tightly wound around us to finally spring loose and unravel in such horribly agonizing fashion? I think it is this long held misplaced view of morality and women that has caused the consistent upheavals and eruption of:

Sex crimes against children
Abortion
Teen Pregnancy
Divorce
Crimes against women
Rape

I don’t think it can be blamed on Porn or strippers or Prostitution. I think it should be blamed on the societal view of sex as a nasty act. When in all honesty sex much like eating breathing pissing shitting and even the occasional farting is a natural thing for us and these luscious bodies we have been given to enjoy. Tell me the feel of your lovers flesh isn’t a turn on, the heat rising the smell of sweat and pheromones their hands roaming and touching and tweaking and pinching, the moaning, the sweetness, the darkness the pain the pleasure the ecstasy and the agony. the sacred in the profane. for that is what sex is and even in the most crude and bombastic fashion that is what Porn exemplifies. It shows that we are not better then the rutting beast in the field for we are willing to get down and get dirty. So many people feel that the best position for sex is Missionary position with the lights out. ( Probably more so here in the Ozarks then anywhere else is this the sex act being commited. ) It makes Me weep that these people will not know the skin tingling fun that comes from perhaps doing it doggy style or trying out all the positions of the Kama sutra. I personally enjoy the roughness and extreme nature of the sex I have with the Dragon. We have been told more then once that we are almost too intense when together in a sexual manner ( both times it came from the 3rd during a rather delightful threesome.) OK but that is how i like it… I am not one of these lets make sweet love, if its not rough and dirty, if the bed isn’t half on the floor and I don’t have stubble burn between My thighs then I don’t feel we gave it our best. But if these acts of love between Me and My husband were photographed and placed in a porno Mag like say Hustler, we would be vilified for showing the degradation of Woman. Now throw in the Kink he and I enjoy and then we are right out,,, we are sick and twisted and perverts, who need psychological care.
The whole problem with this is we both enjoy it no one is getting hurt, and when all is said and done and we have both cum and are lying there exhausted and breathing hard. We can still say with all honesty we love each other, even if five minutes ago he called ME his whore and I screamed he was a bastard asshole.
That is our sex life and yes it is augmented by porn, that he and I both have and love. Tell Me mister Preacher Man when was the last time the little animal in your dutiful sitting in the back of the church wife was unleashed and she pleasured you and herself with a wild abandon that knew no boundaries?
Cause for me it was last night, and yes it was good! ! ! !

Sometimes My Goddess Eris beams down from the aether known a CHAOS, to show Me that she does watch Me and see that My life deserves really nice juicy things to happen when I am at My most stressed.
We have a dear friend, a tasty Strawberry Tart of a woman, that both the Dragon and I would gladly bed < if that sounds sexist I am not apologizing > if given the opportunity. Well Ms. Strawberry Tart had been feeling out of sorts lately and had struck up conversations with both of us at separate times just to get advice and talk. Usually when this happens the conversations are only about BDSM, this one though was more about sex itself and enjoying oneself, with a bit of the lifestyle thrown in for good measure. Of course being that all three of us are really sexually charged people inevitably the talk would turn to sex, then kinky sex then what we would do to the the Tart were we to get our cuffs on her. It was bandied about to have a three some which would be great fun indeed. The Dragon and I enjoyed the bantering but really never thought anything would come of it.
Then one day I come home from seeing to the future of the Phishboy otherwise known as guppy… when I walked in The Dragon was on his puter looking quite pleased… I questioned him as to what could cause such a grin. He just giggled and asked Me if I had a sweet tooth, That Ms. Strawberry Tart had decided she was too stressed and needed some well deserved tension relief. That she had made the decision to act upon all our on line flirting and come over and take us up on our offer. I must admit I thought he was pulling My leg until I heard a knock on My door and it opened to admit Ms Tart herself. Needless to say hugs were exchanged, and then clothes started coming off, we made it to the bedroom in record time and had all three stripped down to skin. Ms Tarts skin glowed in the light, she had a look of contentment and peace on her face. She knew we would look out for her and totally take care of her, It seemed No words were needed The Dragon and I were both exploring her flesh with our hands; tweaking nipples, tickling lightly across the stomach as fingers found their way to between her legs and the moisture that was already there. Her breast were heavy in My hands as I massaged them bending forward to lightly tease her nipples with My mouth, my tongue, My teeth. Her legs spread The Dragon was tasting deeply, his head resting against her lower belly as his tongue sought out her most sensitive spots. I enjoyed watching her writhe under our touch, but after a bit The Dragon and I switched places, and moved her around some to accommodate what we had in mind. I knelt between her legs tasting her sweetness and loving the moans she was making as I burrowed farther in. She shook and shivered as we relentlessly kept going.
I looked up at one point from My place between her legs to see the Dragons cock in her sweet mouth she was obviously doing a stellar job, for the look on the Dragons face was utter bliss. The way she was laid put her ass high into the air, I decided at that point it was time to see how well she could do with His cock while I caused her some delightfully wicked pain. Of course I didn’t want her to think I was completely insensitive so I made sure to lube up one of my fatter toys and slowly slide it into her very moist pussy. Moans came from around the Dragons cock, and her body seemed to tense up then completely relax.
I used floggers both heavy and light while she writhed in front of Me, the Dragon enjoying immensely her focus on Him . I though seemed to be doing quite a good job alternating between floggings and fucking her with the toy, if the sounds coming from her were any indication. I will admit that at this point it seems to all blend together into flesh, heat, wetness, pain and pleasure.
The Dragon and I made sure that Ms Tart came and came very hard. According to her it was very intense and even brought tears to her eyes. It was very nice all three of us on the bed. Her soft body laying before just aching for the touch of the crop, the floggers, My teeth. MMMMMM it was fabulous.
I do remember finally laying down Myself, to feel her suck bite and nibble at My nipples, one is still slightly tender today. The best for Me though was feeling her move down to My pussy and start licking and sucking. It was so overwhelmingly good I almost missed the Dragon moving into place behind her as He entered her and started a nice steady pace. I could feel the pace as her tongue changed rhythm on My clit, to match him pounding in her already sore pussy. It seemed like no time really passed before I felt quite an amazing orgasm coming, the Tart kept up with her ministrations until I was literally hovering off the bed. At least four orgasms passed through Me before I felt her let go. I laid there and just could not stop shaking, when I could finally focus and see again I looked over to see the Tart doing her damnedest to swallow all of the Dragon. I curled up next to the Dragon and drifted on wonderfully wet and wickedly tingly after tremors while watching My lover receive absolutely wonderful care. Watching Ms. Tart suck and lick, I made the observation that she was going on his short list of really good cock suckers. I knew I was correct when the Dragon finally came, He came very hard and from the look on his face I knew it was a very powerful orgasm. Other then when I am taking care of him, I have only seen two other slaves cause him to look that way. We all three laid on the bed cuddling, talking and just trying to come down from a very very intense powerful 3 hours. Today I messaged Ms Tart to see how she felt and was told while sore she had a GREAT TIME as was looking forward to more. It was with a big grin on My face that I responded to her The Dragon and I would be waiting most impatiently …

For the record I have nothing at all against the goth community and in fact love so much of the clothing and music I feel somewhat partial to it all. Just never really proclaimed myself as such. Looking at the picture though I realized that yep that is what it was. I was in college and as a close knit group of outcasts freaks and nutters, we were all Drama, Music, Language, Dance, Art, majors. Lots of black clothing, pale skin from long nights in the theatre. And even longer nights getting drunk on cheap wine and smoking clove cigarettes, sitting in the cemetary across the street from the house I shared as a blossoming commune. We would wander about taking pictures and talking about how different we wanted to see the world when we got out of college. Well this is not the world we envisioned by a long shot, and mores the pity for that.

Odd day today for Me. When I woke up this afternoon, yes afternoon, I had a message waiting for Me from my Mom. I am always nervous calling her back, don’t know if she is calling to yell or be nice. Well she told Me that she had finally sold her house. That she had some things for Me to have, like the china she and My father got when they got married. Some furniture and other things as well. I was only half awake when I agreed to be at her house within the hour. When I hung up My partner, the Dragon, looked at Me as if I had morphed into a step ford daughter. I told him he didn’t have to go, and ignored the sigh of relief he issued, as I drank My coffee steeling Myself up for the visit.
I had lived in that house for quite a few years before going to college. It was not the house that I grew up in, but still good memories in that house. Of course there were the bad ones that outnumbered the good for Me. I can remember vividly the screaming matches about My families hatred for Gay people, the beginnings of my own love for women stirring in My chest. Her demanding of Me to swear on the bible that I wasn’t gay and that none of My friends were gay. I remember her telling Me that I was ruining My life by going to those Dead shows and I was going to end up in rehab which by the way never happened. I honestly did a hell of a lot of partying back then but I do believe the Goddess was keeping an eye on Me even then. That it didn’t matter that I was intelligent, compassionate, empathic, a natural leader etc. As Long as I was fat I would be hated and unloved. I was the black sheep in My family. And well looking at Me versus them now, I still am.
So it was with obvious trepidation that I got ready to go see her. In that time My gay husband, The KG showed up and He decided He wanted to go with Me, which made the Dragon giggle even more.
There I go with new body art < new brand to her on back of My calf> , new hair color and a gay man. Oh Goddess what was I thinking….
Well it couldn’t have gone better. I know My mom will never understand the Lifestyle side or if I can help it ever know about the lifestyle side. But wow the woman I talked to today was a new and better version of My Mom. She was open and earthy, Laughing and being free spirited. Well and a bit tipsy, but all in all it went really well and she told Me things I never knew about My granparents < her mom and dad>. Told Me again what an asshole My dad was, a common theme when he is being discussed. Over all one of the better times I have had with her in a while. It was really nice and refreshing in a off kilter David Lynch version of The Step ford Mothers or something.
I came home to the Dragon somewhat mystified by the woman who looked just like My mom but was most definitely, with some upgrades, a better version. Mom Release 2.0, hmmm and of course just after My post about being called mommy in Live scenes and phone sessions. Eris is twisted