It’s what we all should do when presented with a situation where there is a need to be met and you can meet that need.
Then, right at that point, the past, unspoken angers, forgotten jealousies, all should be forgotten.

IF you are present in the moment where a need is presented, and you, yourself, have a means to fulfill that need, and you do not-you deny your own humanity and greater place in this world.

That is what it was-and that, is why I do what I do. The past is the past, best left unsaid and forgotten. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it new ways to reaffirm our place in this world by our deeds, action and heartfelt truths.

Love-

Me

The semester is finally coming to the end, only a few more weeks left to go. A couple of projects, papers and then finals. Makes sense then, that this is when the Dragon and I decide to do crazy wacky stuff. My Tattoo’’s are not really that out of the ordinary for me, but the Dragon, well when he changes something he really changes.

Over spring break the Dragon decided to change something that has been a part of him for the past 30 odd years.


The following photo, shows the man I fell in love with, ten years ago..





This is him with his new short hair- and may I say while I fell in love with a long haired hippy freak, this new short haired Dragon is just as hot and sexy to me. I so love that man of mine.

I never seem to have enough, I know this blog has been languishing from lack of attention and I am sorry. I realized though, part of my problem is never being sure the level of seriousness I want to maintain here, do I only want to write about those things that bother me and keep me awake at night. The recession, war, gas prices, cost of living, the presidential race, fat acceptance, grades, money, the hostile work environment I am suffering through, all of them drag themselves through my mind at night tormenting me and keeping truly deep restful sleep at bay.


Or do I want to talk about the light and fluffy good things that have been happening in my life recently?
Like getting accepted as a tutor at the writing center on campus this fall. Which I will admit does cause me some sleepless night but that is a two fold reason, one I have performance anxiety, can I truly tutor? Then there is the fact that one of the stipulations is to have my fellow tutors critique my writings for class. EEK!! I can barely handle the fact that the professor reads my work let alone fellow students. ( and yes I realize the dichotomy I present bitching about professors or students reading my writing on a blog that whole intertubes can see… never said I was completely logical m’kay?)

The return of the New Doctor Who with Catherine Tate as the companion- LOVE IT!! Which I know for those out there with the Rose wish and the Martha Jones jones (hehe) Donna Noble may be not their cuppa tea, but I like her!

My friend Ms. TurtleRex is finishing up a fatty piece of art for me that is going to be one of my next two tattoos. The other is being drawn by my good friend Ian. Hers is a Pentacle and all the elements with so much detail its flipping stunning.
His is a take on the Triple Goddess/ 3 Fates with a comic book feel to them. Both of them are amazing artists and I am gonna be so proud to be featuring their work in ink on my bod, hopefully soon.

I don’t really know which yet- so it may just be more posts like this one till the end of the semester. Which is alright I guess. I do have some things percolating in the back of my mind, which may be future posts and may not.

Until then though Intertubes here are some interesting things I have found in my time surfing the web when I should be writing or doing homework or some such thing.


The first is Elizabeth Mitchell and Lisa Loeb – Catch the Moon
I love this song

Then I was turned on to this next band by someone on my Twitter list. The band is Gotan Project and the song is called Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre). Oh Goddess I want to learn the Tango now, so smoky hot, and sexy!

alright this post could get out of hand and two vid’s are my limit. I must return to the books and I return you to the ‘tubes.

That is all

Imagine Peace


I remember being in the car with my mom driving out to my grandparents house in Rogersville. I had been begging her to let me turn the radio to rock 99 the local rock/pop station. She was a hard sell on it, she only ever listened to KTTS, the local country station that I had grown up with. She never changed the dial. I think to this day their station ident at the top of the hour is buried somewhere deep in my psyche. I know its the first thing I switch to when I know there is bad weather. Some habits are hard to break.
I had not been allowed to really listen to rock or pop music, the music in my parents house was always country western, Easy listening Lawrence Welk tip stuff. As well as what I call 70”s shagging music. See, my stepdad, listened to some seriously different music from the fathers of my classmates. He had Englebert Humperdink, Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, Julio Iglesias, so on and so forth. He also listened to Abba, and then German Classical composers and Opera.
With the aforementioned being the prevalent music of my childhood, and having just entered 6th grade where being cool suddenly mattered, listening to Wayne and Engelbert was out and the Pop bands of the early 80’s were in. But my first real introduction to that type of music was actually a tape I had been given by my older brother when my mom decided I could listen to that type of music.

( I had no idea what the were just knew it was bad and it killed people, remember people I was 12? and it was the late seventies. We didn’t have Dare when I was in school. )

Mom finally acquiesced to my begging and I switched it over to Rock 99. I remember they were playing something like the Bee Gees a very happy uplifting song, I was singing and so was my mom. This was a rare bonding moment for us, I was loving it. All of a sudden, the radio D.J. cuts in his voice is rough like he is trying not to sob. I immediately felt a tightening in my chest that to this day signals an oncoming wave of panic. He stuttered and stammered trying to get the words out. Finally in a huge sob he gasps ” John Lennon has been killed, he is dead. John Lennon is Dead. ” Then in such a twisted show of maudlin irony they played ” Give peace a Chance.” I started crying, I immediately grasped that something very wrong, something discordant with the way the world should be going had taken place.
My mom looked at me and said, ” Oh stop it. He was a long haired drug freak who preached and moaned about peace and sex and other crazy things.”

When we got to my grandparents house, I told my granny what we had heard on the radio, she allowed that it wasn’t a very nice thing to do to somebody and how sad it would make so many people around the world. I remember going outside while my mom and grandparents talked and drank coffee. Sitting outside in the cold December afternoon, I remember thinking how sad a world we lived in when someone like Lennon who preached about Peace could be killed.
Sitting here so many years later, it still makes me wonder if that was the first of so many little cracks on the bridge between my mother and I. I saw John Lennon as an Inspiration she saw him as a loser and an addict.

This is but one of the many situations that makes me lean more towards nature vs. nurture in my own personal upbringing.

You know sometimes I hate having to hold it all in.

Being the Me I am underneath all the time. That would be grand.

But I can’t, cause she is not always a very nice person.

Not At ALL

Its hard analyzing each statement to make sure it isn’t condescending, or rude. Making sure I am not seeming to convey an attitude that I am better than my peers,Working not to be intimidating, overbearing at times, or a snob. Even harder refraining from being a bitch I do it so well and with such a sweet smile on my face. ( mind you all things I have been told about myself over the years from various and sundry bosses and former friends… Hell even family has said this stuff.)

But she is who I am and the thing that I think still holds me back is keeping her in this box in my heart. Locked away from everyone else cause she runs with scissors and sometimes without meaning to people get hurt.

I wish I wasn’t all these things but I have to own that I am. I know I am one condescending bitch who does have a bit of a snobbish attitude. Sigh, but I dont know if I will always be able to control her. I DO NOT want to go back on any type of mood altering medication, except the one of my choosing. I am sorry but the coming off of Effexor was worse than any ” OH my good how much did I do last night ??? conversation the day after the show in the dead lots.

Hell I thought after all my recreational fun when following the Grateful Dead nothing else should do much to mess with me. I was so Fucking wrong on that one.

Effexor was absolutely the worst thing I think now that I have ever taken. Prozac sucked, Paxil hurt my head, celexa did nothing and effexor made me feel like my skeleton skullfirst was trying to spontaneously leave my body at random times. Then at others I could feel my brain slosh around in my brain pan.

But GODDAM I was nice when I took the effexor, or actually I was even. No intense highs no room clearing lows. No anger dripping from my skin like water.

But I cant take the drugs they make me crazier than I was to begin with ….

But will I be able to be with out them or am I that big of bitch I need meds

 

Today was my 37th birthday. I feel brave admitting my age, but in all honesty I am not bothered by growing older .

I had been trying to figure out what to post, how to get over my writers block. I finally decided to post 37 things: little known, interesting, or facts that I personally like about myself. All my other blog ideas turned out to be to boring or brought me to tears.

So here it is:

 37 things about Me

1. I still have the Teddy Bear my Mom bought, when she found out the adoption was a go and I had been born.


2. I have a weird unerring ability to never get lost. I also have a weird ability to always know where lost things are


3. I am still terrified of the dark


4. as well as spiders, clowns, Ventriloquist’s dummies, and magicians yet I love Haunted Houses


5. I have read every book by Zane Grey and watched every John Wayne movie (because of my Granpa & I loved it)


6. When I was born my hair was the same color as an orangatuang and stood up just like theirs does


7. I grew up in the Ozarks and still live here. For as closeminded as it can be I love it here.


8. I love Bluegrass, Punk, and Opera music as well as many other kinds, and could listen to them one right after another


9. I have been told by more than one family member that I am too smart for my own good ( is that even possible? )


10. I am so desperately in love sometimes I think it will overwhelm me


11. I never dated before the Dragon came along …NO dates ever. Neither boy nor girl


12. in reference to the above I was told I was too intense and that I scared away any potential dates. ( whatever )


13. I am blessed by some amazingly wonderful and patient friends who have put up with a lot of crap from me over the years yet still seem to love me. WOW now that is friendship


14. I love BBQ and steaks medium rare  


15. for 5 years I was a vegetarian and the above cravings damn near killed me


16. I am a book fiend I will not be satisfied until my home looks like a library


17. I love animals and have currently quite the menagerie


18. I have pierced everything you can pierce at least once sometimes twice I am also tattooed (16) and Branded (6)


19. I believe in conspiracy theories


20. I am an anglophile of the worst kind


21. I am a fan of B movies and bad horror films


22. I love the writings of the Beat poets and their generation and the plays from 5th century Greece


23. I have seen the Grateful Dead, Phish, David Bowie, Joan Baez, Tori Amos, The Indigo Girls, TIna Turner, Cindy Lauper, Rick Springfield, Van Halen, Sting, THe B-52’s, and many many more


24. I have been to quite a few Rainbow Gatherings and loved every minute of them (We love you family)


25. I was a foreign exchange student in France while I was in high school. Tours France to be exact


26. My favorite color’s Green if you know what I mean < thanks Sam>


27. I have cried just thinking of the life Anne Frank missed out on


28. of course I also cry at anything that is even remotely sad especially holiday commercials


29. I sometimes wish my birth mom had chosen abortion


30. sometimes I am glad she didn’t 


31. I tried Suicide when I was a teenager I am glad I didn’t succeed but somedays I wish I had


32. I want to know my heritage more than I want to know who my parents were


33. I want her to be looking and find me rather than me find her


34. I sometimes wish I was someone else But for the most part I am happy being me


35. Julia Butterfly Hill is a hero of mine and a really nice person ( she sang me Happy Birthday once )


36. I am a real redhead The carpet does match the drapes


37. I will finish school this time

So just some thoughts that came to mind while pondering this day and of course wondering when my adopted family will realize they missed my birthday … probably sometime over christmas when they are all together ( and I am not there )

 

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty-odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be

There’s room at the top they’re telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

 

Music and Lyrics by John Lennon

I don’t want to come across completely woo woo But after all the crappy news of late,