Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

It’s what we all should do when presented with a situation where there is a need to be met and you can meet that need.
Then, right at that point, the past, unspoken angers, forgotten jealousies, all should be forgotten.

IF you are present in the moment where a need is presented, and you, yourself, have a means to fulfill that need, and you do not-you deny your own humanity and greater place in this world.

That is what it was-and that, is why I do what I do. The past is the past, best left unsaid and forgotten. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it new ways to reaffirm our place in this world by our deeds, action and heartfelt truths.

Love-

Me

And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe


Sometimes I wonder if Eris was the right choice for me… it seems lately chaos and discord is surrounding me and growing larger every day. The chaos and discord is not between the Dragon and I, but it does affect us greatly on a daily basis.

About a week after the Dragon cut all his hair off, he went to the Doctor about a cough he couldn’‘t get rid of. Asthmatic Bronchitis was the first diagnosis, and a bunch of drugs were prescribed. But the coughing did not improve over time as expected. So another visit to the Doctor and different more powerful drugs were prescribed.

But still he was not better, so a visit was paid to the ER. Where he had xrays and other tests done. The ER doc returns to say “you have Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disorder (COPD) but what has us concerned is this dark mass on your rib.” Massive freak out on both our parts

This warranted a CT scan, on good Friday, which then led to more freaking out for almost a week waiting for results, only to find the dark mass was nothing.
The COPD though, really there, and on the more severe side. This all came out and to a head, the week before every single major project in all my classes were due. There has been multiple Doctors visits, a hospital stay, and my semester to finish. The idea of moving to a drier climate has been discussed a lot. Especially on days with high humidity, all the rain we have been having has not helped.

The weird thing is we are maintaining, doing OK, worried about what the future holds but know whatever it is we will face it together.

I just had to rant and get all this off my chest. I may revisit this topic though as we walk this new path regarding his health.

The semester is finally coming to the end, only a few more weeks left to go. A couple of projects, papers and then finals. Makes sense then, that this is when the Dragon and I decide to do crazy wacky stuff. My Tattoo’’s are not really that out of the ordinary for me, but the Dragon, well when he changes something he really changes.

Over spring break the Dragon decided to change something that has been a part of him for the past 30 odd years.


The following photo, shows the man I fell in love with, ten years ago..





This is him with his new short hair- and may I say while I fell in love with a long haired hippy freak, this new short haired Dragon is just as hot and sexy to me. I so love that man of mine.

Feels like I have once again fallen off the face of the planet. I’m just overwhelmed currently with all the madness going on. School, work and tutoring take up all my time.


I feel like sometimes the Dragon is being ignored and I hate that. I have been trying to set up times for he and I to have some us time, but it hasn’t been easy.


Perhaps over the break between semesters. Fix it to where we could have one whole day together, maybe spend the whole day in bed.


Hopefully I can also take the time to go over some of the rough drafts I have stored here and flesh out some thoughts.


Right now all I can share is that I am really happy that Obama is going to be my next president. I feel like we actually have a chance again, and to quote the newest first lady, finally I am starting to be proud of my country.


I am really sad at the same time that people in California voted in discrimination. Someday every person on this planet will have their right to be happy honored.


I am 39 now and am thinking I may have a midlife crisis this year. Do women get those?

Driving home from work yesterday, all the sleepy people heading into their day as mine was ending, I encountered wildlife. I saw a pack of Gazelles, in male form, outfitted in thin sheer running shorts, hooves shod in tight bright colors, promising speed and performance. They darted through the traffic at the stop light, cars belching exhaust, their lungs expelling fog, as they raced their shadows in the morning sun along the asphalt. Two ran in front of me, as I idled, their heads high turning this way and that, smelling the fall air in flared nostrils. I could see each rib in stark relief against their skin. They were an unreal image in a mundane scene, graceful and beautiful. Bathed in the early morning light, heat radiating from each one, vapor trails. Twenty all told heading down the road to the University; legs kicking back in my rear view mirror, propelling them at high speed to their final destination.


As quickly as they invaded our sluggish fleet they were gone, leaving in their wake, a flash of envy to never know their speeds, for my body is not that of a gazelle.

Woke up today with the definite chill of Autumn in the air. I will have to start bringing plants in soon, from the front porch. The linoleum floor in the kitchen is cold, so very cold under my bare feet. Coffee mugs warm my hands as I walk back to the computer room. The Dragons cigarette smoke seems thicker in the air, as it blows in on the breeze from the back porch. The dogs seem more animated then normal, the cooler weather brings out the puppy in all three of them. Their fur coats getting thicker in expectation of the impending cold. I am starting to see the changing leaves in the cemetery across the street. Fall is coming, my favorite time of year.

Yesterday I put an Obama/Biden sign in my front yard. I have a bumper sticker for my car, and a Women for Obama, button on my purse. This is the first time in my voting life that I have been this political. But to be honest I am truly scared. I listen to all the McCain/Palin supporters around me and my head hurts, even more my heart and soul aches. I don’t really have anything deep or major to add to the debate raging across the blogshere about this election. Only that I am scared, and what I hear coming from the right scares me more and more everyday.

go away come again another day.
all it has been doing lately is raining. The street outside my house is a river. The ground is swollen with all the water. ( hmmm does this mean the earth has water weight gain?) I never thought about Mother Nature retaining water…

So of course today is the day I must go to the store and buy many heavy items to trudge across my rain swollen yard into the house ( the cat litter, cat food type heavy things )

But it is the first day of summer and the Solstice to boot. Just wish the Sun had decided to put in an appearance to make it complete.

Such is my luck though.