Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe


Sometimes I wonder if Eris was the right choice for me… it seems lately chaos and discord is surrounding me and growing larger every day. The chaos and discord is not between the Dragon and I, but it does affect us greatly on a daily basis.

About a week after the Dragon cut all his hair off, he went to the Doctor about a cough he couldn’‘t get rid of. Asthmatic Bronchitis was the first diagnosis, and a bunch of drugs were prescribed. But the coughing did not improve over time as expected. So another visit to the Doctor and different more powerful drugs were prescribed.

But still he was not better, so a visit was paid to the ER. Where he had xrays and other tests done. The ER doc returns to say “you have Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disorder (COPD) but what has us concerned is this dark mass on your rib.” Massive freak out on both our parts

This warranted a CT scan, on good Friday, which then led to more freaking out for almost a week waiting for results, only to find the dark mass was nothing.
The COPD though, really there, and on the more severe side. This all came out and to a head, the week before every single major project in all my classes were due. There has been multiple Doctors visits, a hospital stay, and my semester to finish. The idea of moving to a drier climate has been discussed a lot. Especially on days with high humidity, all the rain we have been having has not helped.

The weird thing is we are maintaining, doing OK, worried about what the future holds but know whatever it is we will face it together.

I just had to rant and get all this off my chest. I may revisit this topic though as we walk this new path regarding his health.

Feels like I have once again fallen off the face of the planet. I’m just overwhelmed currently with all the madness going on. School, work and tutoring take up all my time.


I feel like sometimes the Dragon is being ignored and I hate that. I have been trying to set up times for he and I to have some us time, but it hasn’t been easy.


Perhaps over the break between semesters. Fix it to where we could have one whole day together, maybe spend the whole day in bed.


Hopefully I can also take the time to go over some of the rough drafts I have stored here and flesh out some thoughts.


Right now all I can share is that I am really happy that Obama is going to be my next president. I feel like we actually have a chance again, and to quote the newest first lady, finally I am starting to be proud of my country.


I am really sad at the same time that people in California voted in discrimination. Someday every person on this planet will have their right to be happy honored.


I am 39 now and am thinking I may have a midlife crisis this year. Do women get those?

I never seem to have enough, I know this blog has been languishing from lack of attention and I am sorry. I realized though, part of my problem is never being sure the level of seriousness I want to maintain here, do I only want to write about those things that bother me and keep me awake at night. The recession, war, gas prices, cost of living, the presidential race, fat acceptance, grades, money, the hostile work environment I am suffering through, all of them drag themselves through my mind at night tormenting me and keeping truly deep restful sleep at bay.


Or do I want to talk about the light and fluffy good things that have been happening in my life recently?
Like getting accepted as a tutor at the writing center on campus this fall. Which I will admit does cause me some sleepless night but that is a two fold reason, one I have performance anxiety, can I truly tutor? Then there is the fact that one of the stipulations is to have my fellow tutors critique my writings for class. EEK!! I can barely handle the fact that the professor reads my work let alone fellow students. ( and yes I realize the dichotomy I present bitching about professors or students reading my writing on a blog that whole intertubes can see… never said I was completely logical m’kay?)

The return of the New Doctor Who with Catherine Tate as the companion- LOVE IT!! Which I know for those out there with the Rose wish and the Martha Jones jones (hehe) Donna Noble may be not their cuppa tea, but I like her!

My friend Ms. TurtleRex is finishing up a fatty piece of art for me that is going to be one of my next two tattoos. The other is being drawn by my good friend Ian. Hers is a Pentacle and all the elements with so much detail its flipping stunning.
His is a take on the Triple Goddess/ 3 Fates with a comic book feel to them. Both of them are amazing artists and I am gonna be so proud to be featuring their work in ink on my bod, hopefully soon.

I don’t really know which yet- so it may just be more posts like this one till the end of the semester. Which is alright I guess. I do have some things percolating in the back of my mind, which may be future posts and may not.

Until then though Intertubes here are some interesting things I have found in my time surfing the web when I should be writing or doing homework or some such thing.


The first is Elizabeth Mitchell and Lisa Loeb – Catch the Moon
I love this song

Then I was turned on to this next band by someone on my Twitter list. The band is Gotan Project and the song is called Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre). Oh Goddess I want to learn the Tango now, so smoky hot, and sexy!

alright this post could get out of hand and two vid’s are my limit. I must return to the books and I return you to the ‘tubes.

That is all

When you have so much to write about, you cant fucking figure out where to start? Not to mention not having the time. I swear it was the first of the year just yesterday, I realize working nights really does throw my time schedule off but I can’t believe its almost April. I feel spring coming on, but I doubt it will pull me completely out of my hermit state. That will take full on summer and more time free to myself. Its hard to do the job full time and work full time. I see nobody, and I mean that. The people I do see it is so briefly, all I do is school, sleep and work. What a fucking life. I hope these demanding writing demons swimming around in the primordial soup of my brain decide to birth themselves soon. Or chill the hell out and wait till summer. They are really making me crazy


That is all…

ok well except for this

Overwhelmed with the amount of essays I must write this semester. I think perhaps I have put too much on the plate marked school, I see it taking time and everything else off the plate marked me time and its not even sharing with the plate marked work and chores and shopping.

So in essence that elusive figure Time?

Yeh I have none!

I am so busy the only free time I have right now is when I sleep. Hows that for no fun??

So far its been ” Fantastic” as the Doctor would say. My English lit Professor, teaching the class on Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick; has a voice that could almost move me to maybe give christianity another think. Blessed Goddess, I am thankful he is an English lit professor and not a preacher man here to save my heathen soul. He admitted the first day that he has a passion for this book, and it shows in the two lectures we have already had. Its been really fascinating, While I love so many of the classics, I always escaped from Moby Dick, so reading it now is wonderful.

Then there is the lit class covering Sci Fi/ Fantasy, I can already tell this is a professor I will need to take for other classes. She is very off the cuff and electric. She has such a vast knowledge of the genre. I have already a new list of authors to add to my own. The professor in my Philosophy class is quite the intense man, he stated in class that at the end of studying each religion we will believe that is the one he follows. He then stated he will not ever tell us which religion he believes in, also he stated that there will be mudslinging when certain faiths are discussed. As he put it, Bin Laden has more then a few counterparts in Christianity.

My Anthropology professor I have had before, she introduced me to one of my favorite Authors, Daniel Quinn, when she loaned me Ishmael last semester. She is so wonderful, and passionate about her subject, and in teaching it to others. I really enjoy listening to her lecture and in talking with her, I have found she and I share more then a few not so commonly held beliefs. She is someone I can learn from and not just in the academic areas; I say this not because she is a teacher, but because she is a plus size woman who actively pursues her passions. She may be a woman of size, but she is also a damn fine professor, an anthropologist; ok she is actually a marine or maritime archaeologist. She works primarily in the middle east. Diving in the Indian Ocean and the Persian Sea. Of course that is just the beginning of who she is.

Walking out of class on Thursday a couple of the guys behind me were talking about how she was so big but so cool . It pissed me off but also in a way made me smile. They were young guys fresh outta high school from one of the smaller towns around here. They probably are having all manner of preconceived notions destroyed. So I know the fact that

I mean really, cant become a maritime archaeologist while sitting on the couch eating the donuts now can you ??

I could tell listening to them talk it was messing with their heads a bit, I hope though its just the beginning and they realize that those once held biases won’t hold up as the move into the wider world.

I have been so busy with school, even now on spring break I have been doing research for the two term papers I will have to write. This semester seems to be going quicker than I would like. Its been harder as well. Math, wow how can something so ” logical” illicit such feelings of fear, worry, self loathing, feelings of incompetence and stupidity. It has been hard, and I still have two more math classes to take before I get my degree. I am making a D in the class, I have never made a D.

OK let me say, except for the semester way back in 1988 when I first discovered The Grateful Dead, went to a show and then school became an excuse and not really part of my agenda at the time.
Those grades in a sense matter, but don’t as well. I wasn’t trying, I was just going through the motions to appease the parental unit. (sometimes her not really liking me makes sense.)

It has me devastated, which is really irrational. I went into the class knowing it was a struggle. Last semester when I took it with a different professor I had to drop the class, the teacher scared me so badly. So now I am taking it with the one professor that everyone told me could teach it to me. He makes sense, the class makes sense, my notes, the book, the homework. But if the fate of the entire world rested on my ability to even deal with polynomials or negative numbers. We would all be doomed from go. I can’t get it to stick. No matter what I try, it won’t stay. Test day comes and I just look at my paper with no flipping clue as to what I need to do.

This last test, I left the room and puked after turning in my paper. I go to the tutoring lab, I have offers of tutors. What I need to figure out is why it won’t stick. Why it seems almost like an alien thought process. It pisses me off but more so it depresses me. I am learning that as long as I keep my emotional swings to a short tether I am OK. But when I start obsessing and freaking out, then it gets bad. The insomnia kicks in, when I do sleep I have nightmares. I psyche myself up into a state of fear that I can’t even begin to measure.

Measure, thats what its all about. How do I measure up, against who you might ask? The world. I want to hold myself against everyone else I know and where they succeed and I fail I then question my own ability.
Mark of a perfectionist on the edge? I think so ! ! ! There is no middle ground for me. Extreme I know. But I see it now, 10 years ago I wouldn’t have seen it. I know that, people who knew me back then and now would probably say the same thing.

I am my own worst enemy. I try to make the subject the issue but it isn’t its me being so freaked out thinking it will be what keeps me from graduating. Even if I take it over again, I can’t worry about so much it is to the detriment of my other classes. That is allowing math/ algebra to star as the super villian of my nightmares and I just won’t have that ! !

I have to put Math in its rightful scary place as a subvillian, perhaps even a henchman. Not a big player in the vicious game of GPA. I store those up for thesis papers and graduate school WHEEEE ! !

So I have to learn to let go, to be OK with what grades I get through my hard work. As long as I do everything I can, I can’t fault myself. Can I?

( for some reason I hear the following voice-over whenever I am at the end of my rope studying. Think Phil Hartman doing Troy McClure )


Math you evil vile temptress, tormenting me with your logic and formula’s you are a wicked Mistress with sadistic tastes. I like it ! ! !

 looking at my calender there are only 25 more days then I am done for winter break. Of course in those next twenty five days,

I have a paper due,

an art project due and paper on said project due,

and at least three more tests

plus my finals.

My brain is melting and my fingers cramping from all the notes…

I have decided all I am doing over christmas break is sleeping and reading a lot of fantasy novels.

 Next semester doesn’t look to be any lighter in all honesty as I will have both a math and a biology class.

 remind me again why it was a good idea to go back to school  ? ?

This semester has been harder for personal reasons as well. Quite a few hardballs hit me this fall, scaring me into certain realities and realizations about myself that were and still are very hard to face.  It will just take time though, i must learn to be patient. Not one of my best abilities…I will be honest…

A big lesson for me to work on. Perhaps I can squeeze that in between Anthropology and Bio Lab next semester…

I guess the whole school thing took on a new level of importance though when I was inducted into the Honor society, while I have siblings that graduated college before me, and younger siblings at that, none of them were in the Honor Society. So that does mean a lot. I will maintain that 4.0 and I will continue to move forward towards my goal.

I will not allow the things thrown at me in hopes of sidetracking me, succeed. I will perservere and I will prove to myself ( and of course my family mom most of all ) that I can do something, stick with it, and succeed.

Perhaps this is part of the grand experiment that the Goddess has for me to show me just what kind of strong stuff I am made of.

I just have to keeep from letting my own fears and worries sabotage my forward motion.

Which for me is always easier said than done.