Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

Overwhelmed with the amount of essays I must write this semester. I think perhaps I have put too much on the plate marked school, I see it taking time and everything else off the plate marked me time and its not even sharing with the plate marked work and chores and shopping.

So in essence that elusive figure Time?

Yeh I have none!

I am so busy the only free time I have right now is when I sleep. Hows that for no fun??

I have been looking for messages from Mother.
Seeking her voice out in the most unlikely of places.
She has been waiting for me, as she always does.
Wrapped up against cold winds in cloak, but barefoot among the leaves and snow.

I have found the messages Mother has left for me.
They are all around me, etched in stone and in the bone.
She whispers to me with the cold winter wind, warm lips against my skin.
quiet words of cold and long darkness before the light springs forth again.

L.S.
1-1-08

The insomnia is back and its worse then ever

The stomach in knots my brain racing as I lie there next to the Dragon trying to calm down, trying not to freak out.
Just wanting to curl up next to my love, feel his arms around, know everything is ok and go to sleep. Is that too much to ask for? Is it all that difficult? Obviously for me it is. I lay there mind going on and on. Building worst case scenarios that would have all of FEMA pissing their pants.

Each thought pinging off the last one, building to a crescendo of fear.
It makes me think of an opera singer going higher and higher until they reach that one note that you can feel vibrating inside you.
The note vibrating inside me though is one tearing me apart.
I tried and am trying to be OK, to not let the depression and anxiety and fear win. I am afraid I am losing horribly.

I put on the happy face for everyone, not letting on that inside I feel like I am shattering.
I know the Dragon sees, but he can’t really do anything.

For this is all inside, 100% internal, all me, all worry all nerves all the time.

Someone once told me for a laid back pot smoking hippie I was one of the emotionally tightest people he knew.
That was back in the day ( yo ) when all I did was smoke, hang out, do stuff and be young and experimental.
He said I felt like a spring wound too tight… He was afraid I would put his eye out if I had sprung loose then.

And just for those who might read this and say to themselves ” the drugs made her that way.” Um no they didn’t growing up in a family where I was never good enough no matter how many A’s I got as long as I was still fat…Constantly hearing from my mom, my granma and every other female in my family about how grateful I should be to have been adopted by such a rich family. How I should show my appreciation by losing all my weight and immediately becoming the little model daughter they wanted so badly and ended up getting in my younger sister.

I was scared then and well I am still scared of the fallout when I do finally unravel.

I have no clue when I am going to get to finish school, money is just too tight. Now being jobless as well ? Fuck my dreams for awhile. For that matter at my age should I even still have dreams and the hope of achieving them? Sometimes I feel like I fucked up so badly that I should just give it all up now.
Of course then my rebellious side speaks up …and says ” fuck that”

Being fired without even a clue it was coming, harsh.
Having it be, both the Dragon and I at once, same day same phone call, pure evil.

They preached about not taking money out of families pockets, don’t be greedy.
How fucking greedy is it to fire someone, just because they weren’t lying to make sales?
Bullshit company selling bullshit hotel reservations.

We had just started to see our way out of the hell we were in financially, since the ice storm, since the car wreck, hell since the Dragons heart attack last year.

Now we are back to square fucking one.

I hurt, physically every day I hurt. I want to believe I really do, believe that it will all get better. That he and I will be OK, finally, someday. IT just hit so hard, I’ve only been fired now 3 times in all my life. The other two I knew it was coming and I was prepared. This, nope just got a phone call one day telling us not to come in. We were let go.

So Job hunting has been crap, I feel completely worthless, the only people who are calling me are places who have seen my resume on line and seem to think I would want to sell insurance or mlm stuff, which I don’t. I have not applied to these companies but they seem to think I would do great for them.

What I would like is to hear from someplace I would like to work. Actually have someone call from the bazillion places I have applied to offering me a position.
Giving me back a bit of self esteem, cause so far this summer its been lacking.

But right now this very moment, I just wish I could get some sleep, no nightmares please and maybe have it be straight through the night this time?
No waking up every few hours feeling like I could just die from muscle tension and stiff neck (carry all my tension in my neck, I do).