Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

The semester is finally coming to the end, only a few more weeks left to go. A couple of projects, papers and then finals. Makes sense then, that this is when the Dragon and I decide to do crazy wacky stuff. My Tattoo’’s are not really that out of the ordinary for me, but the Dragon, well when he changes something he really changes.

Over spring break the Dragon decided to change something that has been a part of him for the past 30 odd years.


The following photo, shows the man I fell in love with, ten years ago..





This is him with his new short hair- and may I say while I fell in love with a long haired hippy freak, this new short haired Dragon is just as hot and sexy to me. I so love that man of mine.

Come, Persephone:
The world has rested too long
Under Winter’’s snowy cloak.
Come bring your brushes and bright colors
And dress us in the shades of Spring again.
We invoke you, gracious maiden of freedom and beauty:
Join us now.
Elizabeth Barrette


It seems this invocation bears repeating. Listening to the radio on the way home this morning, I heard that Monday and Tuesday, there is to be a hard freeze here in the Ozarks. Hard, as in it will get down to 20 degrees or some such. Criminy, its the week before Easter, and the Vernal Equinox has passed, almost two weeks ago.I wish I could remember it being this cold when I was younger, but I don’‘t. I know though in the middle of summer I will be cursing the heat and wishing for this chilly days and cold night. But for right now I look at the weather report and say, WTF?

When you have so much to write about, you cant fucking figure out where to start? Not to mention not having the time. I swear it was the first of the year just yesterday, I realize working nights really does throw my time schedule off but I can’t believe its almost April. I feel spring coming on, but I doubt it will pull me completely out of my hermit state. That will take full on summer and more time free to myself. Its hard to do the job full time and work full time. I see nobody, and I mean that. The people I do see it is so briefly, all I do is school, sleep and work. What a fucking life. I hope these demanding writing demons swimming around in the primordial soup of my brain decide to birth themselves soon. Or chill the hell out and wait till summer. They are really making me crazy


That is all…

ok well except for this

I have been looking for messages from Mother.
Seeking her voice out in the most unlikely of places.
She has been waiting for me, as she always does.
Wrapped up against cold winds in cloak, but barefoot among the leaves and snow.

I have found the messages Mother has left for me.
They are all around me, etched in stone and in the bone.
She whispers to me with the cold winter wind, warm lips against my skin.
quiet words of cold and long darkness before the light springs forth again.

L.S.
1-1-08

Spent the whole weekend doing online stuff with blogs and just basically surfing the web.

I have also been slowly but surely unpacking. Finding all the little things I have missed since they have been packed away in boxes for the most part since October of 2005.

I was busy all weekend, busy blatantly not doing schoolwork.

Sometimes it feels good to not do the homework and just relax, but now I must put nose back to scholarly grindstone since I have a math test on Wed. ACK! ! !

So of course I stayed up way to late last night finishing homework. SIGH went to bed around 2 am hoping that I would not regret the late hour. As it was I did regret it ….

Woke up this morning sick as the proverbial dog…sorta it was more I just could not wake up at all.

No matter how much coffee I consumed. I finally called into work, emailed my professors, and went back to bed, sleeping another 5 hours.

I think the brownies that The Dragon made Sunday were laced with something.

Neither of us could make it out of bed, we both just wanted to sleep.

I think perhaps the Ghiradelli chips he added had sleeping potions infused with the chocolate. ( I joke but seriously… )

Perhaps my sleepiness was just in response to the gloomy day outside.

Today is one of those rainy days, sky grey with clouds.
The streets all slick with rain, as it courses down the sides on its merry way somewhere.

I stood on my front porch earlier watching it rain, looking at the destruction still visible amongst the tombstones and paths marking the cemetary across the street. It still has so many trees down from the ice storm its sorta sad.

I was hoping when we first moved in, that this spring it would be a feast of greens only to be outdown this fall when they all changed colors and welcomed the slowing of the seasons back in.

This weekend I also tried to see if any of my plants were able to be salvaged from the freeze.
When the ice storm hit and we lost power I knew all my plants were gonna die. So far I think I lost three, The Philadendron from my Grampas funeral, the Peace Lily from my Brother Phishmans funeral and the lucky bamboo that Villian and Creepy gave me two years ago. I am so sad to lose these since they were reminders of people I love and care about. But I am still trying I cut away all the dead parts and am hoping that soon I will see regrowth.

If not well then I will have tried my best. Such is the way of these things I guess. I will just have to work with what I have left.

Damn ICE ! ! ! !

I am so looking forward though to spring, she cannot come soon enough.

Imbolc ( February 1st/2nd) was the first of the spring Sabbats and I was very glad to mark it this year with candles burning and a small rite in my new home.

Acknowledging Brighid in all her glory as a Goddess of Fire,

I feel everything more clearly now.

The night the trees fell, the first night of the ice storm I was standing on my front porch weeping with every crack, sobbing as they plummeted to the ground.

It saddens me everyday as I drive across this town seeing all the trees and their damaged parts. But I know it all happens as the Goddess wills it.

But even now with it still being cold and nasty outside, I can feel in my very bones the pushing forth of new life, right there under the surface just waiting to breathe fresh and free.

Have I mentioned I cannot wait for spring?