Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

Come, Persephone:
The world has rested too long
Under Winter’’s snowy cloak.
Come bring your brushes and bright colors
And dress us in the shades of Spring again.
We invoke you, gracious maiden of freedom and beauty:
Join us now.
Elizabeth Barrette


It seems this invocation bears repeating. Listening to the radio on the way home this morning, I heard that Monday and Tuesday, there is to be a hard freeze here in the Ozarks. Hard, as in it will get down to 20 degrees or some such. Criminy, its the week before Easter, and the Vernal Equinox has passed, almost two weeks ago.I wish I could remember it being this cold when I was younger, but I don’‘t. I know though in the middle of summer I will be cursing the heat and wishing for this chilly days and cold night. But for right now I look at the weather report and say, WTF?

By Mary Oliver


Cold now.
Close to the edge. Almost
unbearable. Clouds
bunch up and boil down
from the north of the white bear.
This tree-splitting morning
I dream of his fat tracks,
the lifesaving suet.

I think of summer with its luminous fruit,
blossoms rounding to berries, leaves,
handfuls of grain.

Maybe what cold is, is the time
we measure the love we have always had, secretly,
for our own bones, the hard knife-edged love
for the warm river of the I, beyond all else; maybe

that is what it means the beauty
of the blue shark cruising toward the tumbling seals.

In the season of snow,
in the immeasurable cold,
we grow cruel but honest; we keep
ourselves alive,
if we can, taking one after another
the necessary bodies of others, the many
crushed red flowers.

  
     
      Sun of autumn, thin and shy
And fruit drops off the trees,
Blue silence fills the peace
Of a tardy afternoon’s sky.

Death knells forged of metal,
And a white beast hits the mire.
Brown lasses uncouth choir
Dies in leaves’ drifting prattle.

Brow of God dreams of hues,
Senses madness’ gentle wings.
Round the hill wield in rings
Black decay and shaded views.

Rest and wine in sunset’s gleam,
Sad guitars drizzle into night,
And to the mellow lamp inside
You turn in as in a dream.

Georg Trakl

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Driving home from work yesterday, all the sleepy people heading into their day as mine was ending, I encountered wildlife. I saw a pack of Gazelles, in male form, outfitted in thin sheer running shorts, hooves shod in tight bright colors, promising speed and performance. They darted through the traffic at the stop light, cars belching exhaust, their lungs expelling fog, as they raced their shadows in the morning sun along the asphalt. Two ran in front of me, as I idled, their heads high turning this way and that, smelling the fall air in flared nostrils. I could see each rib in stark relief against their skin. They were an unreal image in a mundane scene, graceful and beautiful. Bathed in the early morning light, heat radiating from each one, vapor trails. Twenty all told heading down the road to the University; legs kicking back in my rear view mirror, propelling them at high speed to their final destination.


As quickly as they invaded our sluggish fleet they were gone, leaving in their wake, a flash of envy to never know their speeds, for my body is not that of a gazelle.

Woke up today with the definite chill of Autumn in the air. I will have to start bringing plants in soon, from the front porch. The linoleum floor in the kitchen is cold, so very cold under my bare feet. Coffee mugs warm my hands as I walk back to the computer room. The Dragons cigarette smoke seems thicker in the air, as it blows in on the breeze from the back porch. The dogs seem more animated then normal, the cooler weather brings out the puppy in all three of them. Their fur coats getting thicker in expectation of the impending cold. I am starting to see the changing leaves in the cemetery across the street. Fall is coming, my favorite time of year.

go away come again another day.
all it has been doing lately is raining. The street outside my house is a river. The ground is swollen with all the water. ( hmmm does this mean the earth has water weight gain?) I never thought about Mother Nature retaining water…

So of course today is the day I must go to the store and buy many heavy items to trudge across my rain swollen yard into the house ( the cat litter, cat food type heavy things )

But it is the first day of summer and the Solstice to boot. Just wish the Sun had decided to put in an appearance to make it complete.

Such is my luck though.

I have been looking for messages from Mother.
Seeking her voice out in the most unlikely of places.
She has been waiting for me, as she always does.
Wrapped up against cold winds in cloak, but barefoot among the leaves and snow.

I have found the messages Mother has left for me.
They are all around me, etched in stone and in the bone.
She whispers to me with the cold winter wind, warm lips against my skin.
quiet words of cold and long darkness before the light springs forth again.

L.S.
1-1-08

So many thoughts vie to be written here, but I can’t find the body that fits the tale I am telling. Its as if at the very last second the words all get stage fright and the understudies can not be found.

Lately so many odd thoughts rambling round the brain pan.

Are we creating now the mythos and god stories of a thousand years from now? What fairy tales will come from our day and age? Who will be the enduring minstrels and scribes? What legends are currently being fed to then be fawned over a thousand years from now?

What beliefs will still exist?
Will Christianity and Islam finally destroy themselves and each other in a final duel to the death? While the rest of us just keep on keeping on everywhere else?
I am so tired of my future being decided about such trite shite. It makes no sense to me this whole idea that Everyone has to believe the same way. It just doesn’t work for me. I can’t believe what anyone else believes and by that I mean there is no one else that believes full and to the depths of their soul the spiritual truths I follow. For one really good reason,

“THEY ARE MINE”

heathenistic, goddess loving, tree worshiping, music is my sacrament, sometimes sacrifice does require a little bit of blood, I am not a fluffy bunny who only ever sees white light and happy unicorns ( not that anything is wrong with unicorns ), who believes that I truly saw the Goddess spinning her Goddess heart out one night at a Dead show at Deer Creek. She was all in tie dye and about three rows in front of me. (She was so golden and stunning and beautiful floating on the music, spinning round letting the music spill over her gives me goosebumps just to remember all these years later,) that all light must have a dark for balance is implicit in all things, aspires to be the crazy old lady living out in the woods, hooting hollering and whoop ti do-diddly-ing Witch, personal set of beliefs that are so damned important to me.

Can’t just lay blame at the big organized religions either, with the whole believe my way or you are wrong. I have seen and felt the same thing from my pagan sisters and brothers as well over the most random and in my opinion inane shite. For example, I have always professed an attraction to Eris, goddess of Chaos and discord. I have been told no ” serious pagan” would ever claim her as their deity, to which I laugh, HA! At the base of it all is chaos, that is what fills the cauldron from which we are drawn. She has her place round the table as important or not as any of the others. It is to me that she speaks, I claim her.

But I digress my original intent was to ask what are we creating today, that our future kind will look at in some sort of spiritual light. Will the stories that have carried this far, continue on? Or has the world and society changed so much that new tales are as we speak getting made. New heroes, new myths and legends. Born of cutting edge technologies and Science Fiction becoming science fact. Facts and fictions being intertwined, melded together to become the new Gods and Goddesses of tomorrow.

Hmmmmmm…

I am hoping that 2008 is a better year then 2007. So much happened this past year, to test my patience and try my soul.
But for all the bad there were lessons to be learned and for that I am forever grateful to the Goddess. She knows when I am ready to take that next step on my path, unfortunately I never seem to believe that she is correct.
I am hoping to work more with my own knowledge. I have read and read and read all the books about paganism, wicca, the Goddess. I keep reading, what I need to do is step back from the acquisition of knowledge and actual start some practical application of said knowledge. When I was still in Red Moon Sister Circle, I designed rituals and led them, but then I got my fingers burned and backed off. Must force myself back on that horse.
But that is the scary part, in trying to put together your own set of rites and rituals, you can sometimes find yourself overwhelmed.
So in light of that starting small would be best, working slowly and surely to put together a body of work, that resounds within, that is made of my own words and ideas. Not taken from a book and co opted for the situation. But something I can truly build on as my own.
It then makes sense that The Coven of Three has decided to study the Wheel of the year, the high holy days. Studying all the aspects of each sabbat, the first being Imbolc. We realized we all know a hella ton about each sabbat, but not the whys behind it. We also wanted to take each sabbat and in de constructing it, find what makes it important to each of us personally.

So what do I really know about this high holy day and why is it still important?