Normally I post poems that I feel a connection to, but today as a belated Valentines note to my beloved, I am posting the following lyrics. The song is called Gorecki and it is by Lamb, an electronic music duo from Manchester, England, whose music is influenced by trip hop and drum and bass. It is without a doubt one of the most beautiful love songs I have ever heard and it succinctly sums up how I feel about the Dragon.

Gorecki
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn’t fear
for I’ve never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst

could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

all this time I’ve loved you
and never known your face
all this time I’ve missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here
till the end of time
till the earth stops turning
gonna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for

all I’ve known
all I’ve done
all I’ve felt was leading to this
all I’ve known
all I’ve done
all I’ve felt was leading to this

wanna stay right here
till the end of time till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for
the one I’ve waited for

wanna stay right here
till the end of time ‘till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for
the one I’ve waited for

Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

Random stranger to me – “What are you doing with your life?”

Me – “Being”

Random stranger – “Being What?”

Me – “Just Being”

Random Stranger - “I don’t get it.”

Me – “Thats the problem.”

I have been mulling over this post at Kate Hardings the Shapely Prose , for the last couple of days. Its a nicely summed up article about the drive to be compete and those of us who don’t feel it. She came used the term of Ferdinand,-as in the bull- which I think perfectly suits this particular mind set or way of being. I personally have never felt the need to compete, I never understood its importance.For me its more about living life and enjoying it. Taking everyday as it comes and then in reflection learning lessons. So many of my friends are eaten up with the race to be best- he who dies with the most toys wins. I consider the race to still be standing and smiling at the end of the day a hella ton more important.

Which makes me think of my second favorite comment from my family.

My first favorite is of course that old weight loss chestnut
“Oh obese daughter-your so smart, and would be so pretty if you would just lose some weight. I mean you have great skin, and gorgeous hair. If you just lost 10, 20, 30 and on and on and on pounds.”
I always wanna ask, “so until I lose the weight I am just the smart one and the little sister gets all the pretty? WOW thanks for that shot of self confidence in the arm.”
But I digress, my second favorite comment from my family is as follows ” you are so smart, you are just not living up to your potential. You are afraid of success. “

HMMMMM no actually I am afraid of clowns, people wearing masks, ventriloquists dummies, magicians, spiders and our current president. But my success nope doesn’t scare me a bit.

What I have realized they see as fear, I realize as boredom- which isn’t really the word I want to use either, but I can’t think of the proper one. I don’t want to achieve the same things they do. That is not my desire in this life. Let me repeat that, that is not MY Desire in this life. Note the use of the word my, indicating me, otherwise known as myself and sometimes I. Its my life, my success is determined by me. Not by my address, my bank account, my car make and/or model, my vacation choices, my lifestyle choices, hell not even my waistline or lack thereof. My success is determined by whether or not at the end of my life I lay on my death bed and I can look at my life as a memory without pain. HAH you say, no one can do that. Everyone has felt pain, or sorrow. I agree everyone has, but how many of you have learned from that feeling. Or better yet how many of you might be the ones laying there regretting things left undone, or not said. That is a life with pain. To realize at the end, you allowed so many other things to obstruct your path, you never succeeded at what you wanted to do. Joseph Campbell put it best when he said we must ” follow our bliss.”

I want to know myself better. I want to love this skin I am in. Every voluptuous curve of it. Its all I’ve got for right now, I should cherish it. Which I will, but not by starving it, and forcing it to try and succeed at goals it was never meant to be attain. I want to learn about my self and the world around me. Rather then fill my life with material things I am pursuing a more intangible goal. I always said I wanted to be a professional student, I think going after a degree in Anthropology is a perfect way to achieve that goal. Spend my time learning about man and why we do things the way we do. Maybe eventually I can study not just Gender roles but the associated issues that come with body type and size.But for now and through all of it, my first and original goal is to Just Be and Just Be in Bliss.