Normally I post poems that I feel a connection to, but today as a belated Valentines note to my beloved, I am posting the following lyrics. The song is called Gorecki and it is by Lamb, an electronic music duo from Manchester, England, whose music is influenced by trip hop and drum and bass. It is without a doubt one of the most beautiful love songs I have ever heard and it succinctly sums up how I feel about the Dragon.

Gorecki
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn’t fear
for I’ve never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst

could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

all this time I’ve loved you
and never known your face
all this time I’ve missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here
till the end of time
till the earth stops turning
gonna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for

all I’ve known
all I’ve done
all I’ve felt was leading to this
all I’ve known
all I’ve done
all I’ve felt was leading to this

wanna stay right here
till the end of time till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for
the one I’ve waited for

wanna stay right here
till the end of time ‘till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

the one I’ve waited for
the one I’ve waited for

Hello World,

It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.

Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.

I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!

Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.

Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?

The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.

Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?

It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.

Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-

Lilith

It’s what we all should do when presented with a situation where there is a need to be met and you can meet that need.
Then, right at that point, the past, unspoken angers, forgotten jealousies, all should be forgotten.

IF you are present in the moment where a need is presented, and you, yourself, have a means to fulfill that need, and you do not-you deny your own humanity and greater place in this world.

That is what it was-and that, is why I do what I do. The past is the past, best left unsaid and forgotten. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it new ways to reaffirm our place in this world by our deeds, action and heartfelt truths.

Love-

Me

And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe


Sometimes I wonder if Eris was the right choice for me… it seems lately chaos and discord is surrounding me and growing larger every day. The chaos and discord is not between the Dragon and I, but it does affect us greatly on a daily basis.

About a week after the Dragon cut all his hair off, he went to the Doctor about a cough he couldn’‘t get rid of. Asthmatic Bronchitis was the first diagnosis, and a bunch of drugs were prescribed. But the coughing did not improve over time as expected. So another visit to the Doctor and different more powerful drugs were prescribed.

But still he was not better, so a visit was paid to the ER. Where he had xrays and other tests done. The ER doc returns to say “you have Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disorder (COPD) but what has us concerned is this dark mass on your rib.” Massive freak out on both our parts

This warranted a CT scan, on good Friday, which then led to more freaking out for almost a week waiting for results, only to find the dark mass was nothing.
The COPD though, really there, and on the more severe side. This all came out and to a head, the week before every single major project in all my classes were due. There has been multiple Doctors visits, a hospital stay, and my semester to finish. The idea of moving to a drier climate has been discussed a lot. Especially on days with high humidity, all the rain we have been having has not helped.

The weird thing is we are maintaining, doing OK, worried about what the future holds but know whatever it is we will face it together.

I just had to rant and get all this off my chest. I may revisit this topic though as we walk this new path regarding his health.

The semester is finally coming to the end, only a few more weeks left to go. A couple of projects, papers and then finals. Makes sense then, that this is when the Dragon and I decide to do crazy wacky stuff. My Tattoo’’s are not really that out of the ordinary for me, but the Dragon, well when he changes something he really changes.

Over spring break the Dragon decided to change something that has been a part of him for the past 30 odd years.


The following photo, shows the man I fell in love with, ten years ago..





This is him with his new short hair- and may I say while I fell in love with a long haired hippy freak, this new short haired Dragon is just as hot and sexy to me. I so love that man of mine.

Feels like I have once again fallen off the face of the planet. I’m just overwhelmed currently with all the madness going on. School, work and tutoring take up all my time.


I feel like sometimes the Dragon is being ignored and I hate that. I have been trying to set up times for he and I to have some us time, but it hasn’t been easy.


Perhaps over the break between semesters. Fix it to where we could have one whole day together, maybe spend the whole day in bed.


Hopefully I can also take the time to go over some of the rough drafts I have stored here and flesh out some thoughts.


Right now all I can share is that I am really happy that Obama is going to be my next president. I feel like we actually have a chance again, and to quote the newest first lady, finally I am starting to be proud of my country.


I am really sad at the same time that people in California voted in discrimination. Someday every person on this planet will have their right to be happy honored.


I am 39 now and am thinking I may have a midlife crisis this year. Do women get those?